Parenting Apart

This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of helpful parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in deciding how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they don't say much about the other issues involved in parenting after separation. This section will discuss what it means to parent after separation and how separation affects children, and suggests some ideas about how parents talk to their children about their separation. It might also help to read the "Separating Emotionally" section when you're done here.

Introduction

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you have three things to consider. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you and your former partner have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the parenting of your children after separation must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that a judge or an arbitrator will take.

You may have found that, during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfortable with and one that your children have become accustomed to. After separation, that routine just may not be possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can't rely on both of you being around the house, or on the schedules you used to keep. They can't count on all the little things, like the bedtime story from dad, the special breakfast and playing catch after school with mum, still happening. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

Separation can also see changes the roles played by parents. A parent who hasn't been particularly involved with the children may become more involved; a parent who was very involved may step back a bit. This can be challenging for some parents, and what needs to be kept in mind is that children need all of the people in their lives to do their best. A more involved parent is almost always something that helps children. What harms children is conflict; conflict in both intact and restructured families. Sometimes stepping back, at least for a little while, can reduce conflict.

While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, their children can't. Your job, regardless of your own emotional and legal entanglements with each other, is to protect your children from your dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will be in the best interests of your children.

Language

The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and saying "Pat was mistaken when he told me that..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I have parenting time with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policymakers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with their child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of their relationship. As a result, shared parenting — an arrangement in which the parents share their children's time equally or almost equally — is becoming increasingly commonplace, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to their child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" when it comes time to determining the best parenting arrangements for a child.

Words like "custody" and "access" are still used in some provinces. These are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their roles and responsibilities in the children's lives. This, and a wish to refocus the "rights" involved in parenting more on children than on parents, are the big reasons why the provincial Family Law Act talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise parental responsibilities and have parenting time with their children, and people who are not guardians who have contact with a child. They're also why the federal Divorce Act was overhauled on March 1, 2021 to get rid of "custody" and "access" and instead talk about spouses who exercise decision-making responsibilities for their children and have parenting time them, and people who aren't spouses who may have contact with a child. These are huge improvements in the legislation about parenting after separation.

A few notes from JP Boyd

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counsellor. As a result, this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it's based largely on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason, you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority on parenting. The goal of this section is simply to provide some information that may be helpful for parents to consider as they make decisions about parenting after separation.

There are lots of parenting after separation programs offered by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia, as well as some very good online programs developed by the Justice Institute of British Columbia. Other good programs are available from other provinces, including Alberta's Parenting After Separation for Families in High Conflict program. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs. No matter how good — or bad! — you think your relationship is with your ex-partner, these programs are usually very helpful. Also, in some cases, you, your former partner, or both of you may be ordered by the court to attend a Parenting After Separation program.

Parenting after separation

As we discussed in the section "Separating Emotionally," separation stirs up a turbulent stew of powerful emotions that can take a surprisingly long time to work through, and often wind up clouding parents' judgment. You can find yourself doing things and saying things you never thought you would, or doing things you promised you'd never do again. In the midst of all of this, you may also find yourself having to resolve critical legal issues that will have a profound effect on your future and the futures of your children.

When people have children, they have to accept that they'll remain a part of each other's lives until their children predecease them, whether they like it or not. They may no longer be partners, but they will always be parents. Parental relationships don't end along with romantic relationships. If you've had children together, you're stuck with each other.

It's impossible to emphasize enough how important it is to always put the children first. Having said that, putting the children's needs and interests ahead of your own can be an extremely challenging task when you're also trying to cope with the intense emotions involved in separation. It can be tremendously difficult to refrain from badmouthing your former partner to the children, never mind putting energy into supporting their relationships with your partner. However, if you care about your children, you don't really have a choice.

Separation doesn't mess kids up, conflict does. Conflict between parents, whether they're still together or have separated, has serious short- and long-term consequences for children. These consequences can affect their relationship with one or both parents, their performance in school, their behaviour, their choices about the other kids they hang out with, and their relationships with other people as teenagers and adults. It can also affect how children perceive conflict and how they resolve conflicts of their own.

Community Mediation Ottawa, formerly the Ottawa Center for Family and Community Mediation, has some helpful suggestions about parenting apart:

Things to think about

• Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
• Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
• It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
• Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Do not allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
• Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
• Do not let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; do not get caught in the middle. Do not let the children become caught in the middle.

Children may be harmed if they:

1. are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
2. are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
3. are encouraged to take sides, or
4. don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

Parents may harm their children if they:

1. don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
2. burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
3. compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
4. badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
5. expect children to comfort them.

In short, you are the parent, and your children have the right to expect you to do the job of parenting them.

Arrangements, orders, plans and schedules

The terms the legislation uses to describe the arrangements that are made by parents, arbitrators and judges are a bit of a mess. Under the provincial Family Law Act, parenting arrangements are the arrangements about parental responsibilities and parenting time made after separation whether those arrangements are in an agreement or in an order. "Parenting arrangements" doesn't include agreements and orders about contact. I suppose those would be called contact agreements and contact orders although the legislation doesn't say so. Under the federal Divorce Act, a parenting order is an order about decision-making responsibility and parenting time, and a contact order is an order about contact like you'd expect. A parenting plan, on the other hand, is the part of a written agreement about decision-making responsibility, parenting time, or contact.

What's important, really, is that everyone understands what you're talking about. Although there are important differences between agreements and orders, call the plans for the care of your children after separation whatever you'd like. No one's going to get hung up on the fact that you talked about a parenting plan rather than parenting arrangements or a parenting order as long as you're clear about whether you're talking about an agreement you've made with your former partner, an award made by an arbitrator or an order made by a judge.

In this section, we'll use parenting schedules to talk about the allocation of parenting time between parents and parenting arrangments to talk about the distribution of parental responsibilities and parenting time between parents, the way the Family Law Act uses the term.

Parenting schedules

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best parenting schedule after separation is for parents to share their children's time equally or almost equally. While that may be true for some children, the federal Divorce Act doesn't say that any particular arrangement is presumed to be in children's best interests, and the provincial Family Law Act specifically says that no particular arrangement should be presumed to be in children's best interests. Section 40(4) of the Family Law Act says:

In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:

(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;

(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;

(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.

The absence of any presumptions about parenting schedules in the legislation, whether for shared parenting time or something else, is intentional. Both the Divorce Act and the Family Law Act say that decisions about children are to be made considering only their best interests. As a result, parents, arbitrators and judges have to think about is what is best for the particular child in the particular circumstances of their particular family, not what is generally best for children. As Justice McLachlan said in Gordon v. Goertz, a 1996 decision of the Supreme Court of Canada,

"The argument that a presumption would render the law more predictable in a way which would do justice in the majority of cases and reduce conflict damaging to the child between the former spouses also founders on the rock of the Divorce Act. The Act contemplates individual justice. The judge is obliged to consider the best interests of the particular child in the particular circumstances of the case. Had Parliament wished to impose general rules at the expense of individual justice, it could have done so. It did not. The manner in which Parliament has chosen to resolve situations which may not be in the child's best interests should not be lightly abjured. Even if it could be shown that a presumption in favour of the custodial parent would reduce litigation that would not imply a reduction in conflict. The short-term pain of litigation may be preferable to the long-term pain of unresolved conflict. Foreclosing an avenue of legal redress exacts a price; it may, in extreme cases, even impel desperate parents to desperate measures in contravention of the law. A presumption would do little to reduce the underlying conflict endemic in custody disputes."

When it comes to parenting schedules, what parents, arbitrators and judges have to decide is what is best for the children in light of the best-interests factors set out at section 16 of the Divorce Act and sections 37 and 38 of the Family Law Act. Sometimes this winds up being a shared parenting schedule, sometimes it doesn't. Among those best-interests factors, some of the more important are:

1. the age and maturity of the child, and their ability to be away from a parent, especially for younger children and children who are being breastfed,
2. the child's need for stability, especially for younger children and children with special needs,
3. the views and preferences of the child, especially for children who old enough to have a view and understand how their preferences might impact their lives,
4. the pattern of the parents' usual time with the child when they were still together,
5. each parent's ability to care for the child, including the presence of any family violence
6. the nature of the child's relationship with each parent, and
7. the social needs of the child and their involvement with school, extracurricular activities and friends.

Parents, of course, will have additional considerations of their own. Among other things, parents will want to think about:

1. how far away they live from each other and how much driving will be involved, especially the length of time the children will be able to handle being stuck in a car,
2. how their work schedules can and can't be fitted around the child's parenting needs, including how they'll manage caring for the child on non-instructional school days and days when the child is sick and has to stay home,
3. whether the schedule will regularly require them to pay for other people to look after the child and if so, the amount of time that the child will be in the care of someone other than a parent,
4. how they express conflict and the extent to which the child will be exposed to their conflict, especially if the schedule requires frequent exchanges of the child between homes,
5. how they'll manage moving the child's belongings between homes, especially bulky things like hockey equipment, and
6. whether each of them is flexible enough to accommodate unexpected events in the other parent's life that might require a temporary change in the schedule.

There's nothing wrong with taking things like this into account when you're planning a parenting schedule. It's important to think about how the schedule will work in real life and whether it's actually doable. You probably don't want a schedule that requires you to make a round trip drive from Surrey to North Vancouver, or from Kamloops to Kelowna, four times a week — and the children probably wouldn't like it either — or a schedule that will see the children in daycare when the other parent is a good parent and otherwise available to care for them.

Different parenting schedules

There's really no limit to the ways that children's parenting schedules can be arranged, as long as the schedule is in children's best interests and practical from the parents' perspective. A search online will give you dozens of parenting schedule templates that you might want to think about out. What's important is that the schedule works for the children and for their parents.

A lot of the schedule templates you'll see offer variants based on the parenting skills of each parent. This is an important consideration when you're thinking about the schedule that is most likely to be in the children's interests. While there are many families in which the parents split the task of parenting fairly and both parents have excellent parenting skills, there are others in which one parent takes on most of the work involved in raising the children. (There are many reasons why this might be the case. The parent who does most of the work might have crowded the other parent out. The parent who does the least might just not be interested in the business of parenting.) However, it's not always fair to measure parenting skills based on how the work involved in parenting was split during the relationship. The parent who does the least, for example, might have a job that supports the family and occupies most of their time, but might otherwise be an engaged and committed parent. It's important to think about the actual parenting skills of each parent, not just how they divided up parenting responsibilities before separation.

The parenting schedule templates will offer additional variants based on the age of the children. There many good reasons for this. A child who is being breastfed won't be able to be away from their mother for very long, and the sort of parenting time the other parent will have will usually need to be short but frequent. A toddler is better able to handle being away from a parent for an extended period of time, say one, two or three days, and will need to see both parents frequently. A child who is starting school suddenly has a schedule that's got nothing to do with their parents, and a child who is leaving elementary school will not only have homework and extracurricular activities that need to be taken into account, but the beginnings of a social life that will become increasingly important to them. A teenager's social life will be in full bloom and it may be more important to teenagers that they spend time with their friends and in their extracurricular activities than with their parents. The reality is that parenting schedules have to change based on the age of the child and, eventually as teenagers, their preferences. The schedule that works for a toddler won't work for a kid in Grade Two, and the schedule that works for a kid in Grade Two won't work for a kid in Grade Eight.

Schedules for children without shared parenting

Children who don't have a shared parenting schedule will have one home where they live most of the time, sometimes called their primary residence. They'll spend most of the time with the parent who has their primary residence and spend less of their time with the other parent. This used to be the sort of schedule that almost all children had. For kids who were, say, six years old and older, they would usually have spent every other weekend with the other parent, and maybe also every Wednesday for dinner or an overnight visit. However, there are lots more ways that parenting time can be scheduled for children who have a primary residence.

The Langley Family Justice Center publishes an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's equally excellent book, Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. The following parenting schedule template is adapted from their pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish a shared parenting arrangement. The schedule varies by the age of the child and by the parenting skills of the parent who doesn't have the children's primary residence.

Age	Basic Recommended Time	Limited Parenting Skills	Good Parenting Skills
Birth to 8 months	2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each	supervised visits in the primary parent's home	2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit
9 to 12 months	2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit	2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each	2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit
13 months to 3 years	1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit	1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit	2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays
4 to 5 years	1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit	1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit	2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays
6 to 8 years	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays	one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays
9 to 12 years	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays	every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer	every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays
13 to 18 years	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays	every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child	every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

Schedules for children with shared parenting

In a shared parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Some children may be able to start spending a shared amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two or three, many children may be able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork, although exchanging on Tuesday prevents any arguments about who was responsible for ensuring that weekend homework got done.

By the time the child is in their early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement may be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and their preferences should be taken into account. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the child and the parents.

There are some parents who achieve shared parenting by the unequal sharing of holidays.

The Family Law Act also requires that parents, guardians, and the court consider the child’s views, “unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)). Many parents and guardians know what their children want and need; however, children have a legal right to have a voice.

The Hear the Child Society offers useful information about the rights of children and a roster of people who prepare non-evaluative reports of children’s views.

Parenting plans

A parenting plan is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, or when parents need extra clarity.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

• The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
• The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
• The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
• Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
• The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account their social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the Divorce Act or the Family Law Act, there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements, but not always, or in court orders. Usually, court orders contain a general statement about guardianship and parenting time. However, at times, especially when parents do not agree, the court can and will make very specific orders about the parenting arrangements, such as who is responsible for taking the children to the dentist and the sharing of birthdays, just to name a few. Detailed orders are usually crafted to a particular family in an attempt by the court to cover as much of a child's day-to-day life as possible in the hopes of minimizing conflict between the parents.

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

What is crucial in developing a parenting plan is to have a plan that accommodates and meets the children's needs and is not simply in place for the ease or convenience of parents. The same parenting plan may not work for all children in a family, and the goal of all parents should be to support the healthy development of children as individuals and not simply as a sibling group.

Important changes
Under the changes to the Divorce Act, the court is required to include the parts of agreements about parenting after separation, which it calls parenting plans, into orders about children. However, if the court decides that any part of a parenting plan is not in the best interests of a child, it can change the terms of the parenting plan in its order.

Sample parenting plans

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's Parenting Plan Tool, and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

• Sample #1: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation, and this plan also addresses safety and transportation issues.
• Sample #2: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation, and this plan also addresses substance abuse issues.
• Sample #3: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations.

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

• Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
• The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
• The plans can be adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the Parenting Time Guidelines found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

For an example from British Columbia, see the Parenting After Separation Worksheet #4 about creating a parenting plan.

There is also a Separation Agreement kit on the Legal Services Society's Family Law website, which contains some information about parenting plans. Under the section "Agreements" see "Write your own separation agreement."

Common visitation issues

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the special days that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays, and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the Estranged & Alienated Children section.

Weekends

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it may be important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the work week becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It may be important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a discipline parent/fun parent dynamic. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends, unless of course that is what your particular family needs and what will be in your children's best interests.

Statutory holidays and Professional Development Days

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday or professional development day at your child’s school.

Special days

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays, and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

School holidays

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated with the same schedule as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the school closures during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

For working parents, summer holidays may require cooperation (or not) regarding the scheduling of camps and day camps. Ideally, parents can arrange their holidays around the children's availability. However, not every parent has that flexibility. What parents need to keep in mind are the memories that they are creating for their children. Will their children remember summer holidays as being a tug-of-war between parents, or a time of relaxation and fun?

Children's refusal to visit

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty, or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The Family Law Act confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “...view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the Family Law Act as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of 12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, the language of the Family Law Act does not specify any particular age when a child's views determine the parenting arrangements.

Generally, children should not be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that they do not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the Hear the Child Society, which has a roster of reporters, are both options for having a Hear the Child report prepared. In addition to non-evaluative reports, people may wish to obtain a Views of the Child Report, which can offer recommendations or insight as to why a child is behaving in a particular way. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

Parents' refusal to visit

Children need stability and consistency in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

Under section 63 of the Family Law Act, if a parent routinely fails to exercise parenting time or contact, then the other parent can apply to court to be reimbursed for the costs associated with the failure to exercise the scheduled time. In an application brought under this section, a Court may also order a parent or both parents to participate in family dispute resolution, have one or both parents and/or their child attend counseling or specified services or programs, or involve a supervisor for transfers of a child. Addressing missed visits is an option that was not previously available to parents under the old legislation.

Parenting resources

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

Programs and agencies

The Parenting After Separation program is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through Clicklaw. You can download the Parenting After Separation Handbook online, in English, Chinese (simplified), Punjabi, and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond, and Vancouver; call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas; call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers Information Children, a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their website or at:

604-291-3548 phone
604-291-5846 fax

The provincial Justice Access Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through Clicklaw's HelpMap or at:

Vancouver: 604-660-2084
Victoria: 250-356-7012

Recommended reading for parents

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the family law section of its website that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

The federal government website has a section on creating parenting plans that links to three useful resources:

• Making Parenting Plans,
• Parenting Plan Checklist, and
• Parenting Plan Tool.

The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on helping your kids cope.

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, which include the following (my favourites are in bold):

• The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

• Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

• The Truth about Children and Divorce, by R.E. Emery

• Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

• Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M.G. Neuman

• Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

• Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

• Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

Recommended reading for children

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

• At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

• Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

• Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

• Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

• On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

• What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

• Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The website www.familieschange.ca is designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. The website presents differently for younger children versus teens; both versions are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called What Happens Next?, available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

Resources and links

Legislation

• Family Law Act
• Divorce Act

Links

• Clicklaw Common Question "I’m looking for information about the Parenting After Separation program"
• Justice Education Society's handbook Parenting After Separation: A Handbook for Parents
• Justice Education Society's brochure "Parenting After Separation"
• BC Ministry of Attorney General report A Summary of Evaluation Feedback from Participants in Parenting After Separation Sessions (2003)
• Legal Services Society's Family Law website's information page "Parenting & guardianship"
• Justice Education Society's website "Parent Guide to Separation and Divorce"
• Legal Services Society's Family Law website's information page "Parenting & guardianship"
  • See "Parenting After Separation classes"
• Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines
• Ada County, Idaho State Court's "Sample Parenting Plans"
• Justice Education Society's online course "Parenting After Separation"
• Information Children (a non-profit supporting parents with family life challenges)
• Department of Justice's guide Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce
• Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Attorney General's website "Families Change"
• Hear the Child Society

This information applies to British Columbia, Canada. Last reviewed for legal accuracy by JP Boyd March 6, 2021.

JP Boyd on Family Law © John-Paul Boyd and Courthouse Libraries BC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 Canada Licence.