Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation

The previous section in this chapter talked about the emotional aspects of separation, and how they can affect the choices we make to deal with the legal consequences of separation. The next section, "Separation and the Law on Separation", talks about those legal consequences in a lot more detail, but this section is first going to talk about the importance of boundaries and good behaviour after separation.

Introduction

We have all sorts of social scripts about how people meet, fall in love, marry and start having children. You can't watch a Hugh Grant rom-com, walk past the supermarket greeting card aisle, or read one of the very fine novels published by Harlequin Enterprises ULC without have those scripts reinforced. What we don't have are scripts about how people separate. Yes, Hollywood has dabbled its toes in this plotline — Marriage Story and War of the Roses spring to mind — but these are fairly awful stories. What we don't have scripts about how people separate well.

In 1967, two psychologists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, published a study showing that the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most traumatic events people will endure, second only to the death of a spouse or a child. That seems about right to me. This trauma leads people to do and say things that they'd never do under other circumstances. I've seen people behave far more cruelly toward family members in family law and wills and estates cases than they would ever behave to anyone else, including an enemy.

Maybe this odd and unpleasant phenomenon is where the saying "familiarity breeds contempt" comes from. But perhaps there's another cause than simple familiarity. When spouses separate, particularly when they separate suddenly, they go through an awful transition — from loving partners who would trust each other with their lives to adversaries pitted against each other — in the blink of an eye. That's hard. Understandably, the transition can encourage significant mistrust, ill-will and suspicion among everyone involved.

It takes a big person to accomplish this transition with care and grace. Those of us who don't have the luxury of undertaking the "conscious uncoupling" Gwyneth Paltrow recommends, have to come up with awful lot of patience, respect, and tolerance. (And maturity. Maturity was a common characteristic among the majority of my clients who were able to rise above the emotional battlefield.) On top of that, you also need to be fairly empathetic and develop some pretty top-drawer communication skills.

This section provides some observations, tips and suggestions for those of us who lack the patience of Mother Theresa, the forbearance of Mahatma Ghandi or the wisdom of Siddhartha Gautama. While a lot of these comments are just common sense, you may find one or two things that help.

Good behaviour, bad behaviour

It is so very, very tempting to lash out at your ex when a relationship ends, especially if you didn't see it coming or there was something embarrassing about your separation, like an affair. You shouldn't. Let me tell you why.

First, by cranking up the emotional temperature, you increase the likelihood that your family law problems will be resolved in court. While there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, resolving problems in court takes longer and costs more money than resolving them any other way.

Secondly, the two key predictors of children's adaptation to their parents' separation are

case of w slagging H online, damages awarded

revenge porn

publishing affidavits, letters, personal notes

facebook, instagram

trash talking

privacy tips and cautions

can't open other's mail

can't hack into email, social media accounts

can't access other's bank account

change passwords on IOT, email, social media, router

Respecting boundaries, respecting privacy

privacy tips and cautions

can't open other's mail

can't hack into email, social media accounts

can't access other's bank account

Discouraging bad behaviour

change passwords on IOT, email, social media, router

Resources and links

Legislation

• Family Law Act
• Divorce Act

Links

• Legal Services Society’s Family Law website's information page on Separation & Divorce
• Department of Justice's website "Divorce and Separation"
• BC Counsellors by Practice Area
• BC Association of Clinical Counsellors
• Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

This information applies to British Columbia, Canada. Last reviewed for legal accuracy by JP Boyd, 13 March 2020.

JP Boyd on Family Law © John-Paul Boyd and Courthouse Libraries BC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 Canada Licence.