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The end of a romantic relationship is always difficult for parents. It can be just as difficult, if not worse, for their children. How children deal with the end of their parents' relationship has to do with two things: the age and maturity of the children, and how their parents manage the breakdown of their relationship.
Children don't see things in terms of "custody " or "parental responsibilities " when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Mom and dad are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, mom or dad isn't there anymore. Young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated. Pre-teens and teens may seem to have a much more grown-up grasp of things as they'll have lost relationships of their own, and may be able to appreciate the idea that their parents' relationship has ended. How children cope with their parents' separation changes as they grow older and more mature.
Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court.
*blaming the parent who left for breaking up the family,
*seeing a parent as injured by the actions of the other parent,
*sympathizing with an emotionally upset parent, and/or
*missing and feeling sad for the parent that they see less often.
*similarities in the temperament of the child and one of the parents,
*the parent's gender,
*interests the child shares with a parent, and/or
*how the parent handles discipline.
*age-appropriate separation anxieties,
*inability to cope with the transition between homes, especially where there is a lot of conflict between the parents,
*not wanting to leave an upset parent at home, and/or
*not liking the other parent's parenting style.
Of course, any resistance to separation is difficult for both parents. For the parent sending the child on the visit, it can be heart wrenching to force the child out the door. For the parent receiving the child, it can be devastating to hear — from the other parent or the child — that the parenting time or contact is unwelcome, and to experience the rejection that this entails.
These "normal " reasons why a child would be reluctant to see a parent can be aggravated by the unintentional conduct of each parent. Separated parents have a positive duty to nurture their child's relationship with the other parent. In the context of parenting time and contact, this means encouraging the child to look forward to seeing the other parent. In general, this means actively fostering the child's relationship with the other parent and refraining from making negative remarks about the other parent.
In high-conflict situations, even parents who understand this basic duty can unconsciously telegraph their feelings about the other parent to the child. Children are not stupid; they know something's not right. Even young children will pick up on non-verbal clues to a parent's feelings.
*arguing with the other parent when the children can see or hear the dispute,
*making negative comments about the other parent when the children are within earshot,
*using an emotionless or negative tone of voice when speaking to the children about the other parent, and/or
*reacting in a flat or negative manner when the children discuss the other parent or their activities with that parent.
===Knowing when there's a problem===
An otherwise "normal " resistance to parenting time or contact can cross the line when the child's opinion of the parent and their his or her emotional attachment to that parent begins to change. Temper tantrums about a visit, and expressions of rage and hate should send a loud and clear signal that both parents have to work a lot harder to help the child through their his or her experience of the separation.
Mild expressions of a change in the child's attachment to a parent include:
*expressing Expressing ambivalence about visiting the parent (not caring one way or the other about seeing the parent),.*grumbling Grumbling about having to go to see the other parent, and.*stating Stating a preference for an activity (playing a game, seeing friends and so forth) over seeing the other parent.
More serious expressions of a change in the child's attachment to a parent include:
* expressing Expressing a preference for one parent over the other, and a general ambivalence about the other parent,.* expressing Expressing a preference for one home over the other,.* expressing Expressing a worry about missing the parent the child is leaving,.* being Being upset that an activity (playing a game, an outing, seeing friends and so forth) will be interrupted by the visit,.* stating Stating that visits with other parent are boring, and/or. * being Being reluctant to speak to the other parent on the telephone.
Still more serious expressions of a change include:
* stating Stating that they donhe or she "doesn't like " the other parent,.* occasionally Occasionally putting the other parent down,.* expressions Expressions of concern for the well-being of the parent the child is leaving for the visit (older children),.* crying Crying before the visit (younger children),.* complaining Complaining that "it's not fair " to have to visit (older children),.* offering Offering promises (studying harder, doing more chores and so forth) in exchange for not having to go on the visit,.* claiming Claiming that the other parent doesn't parent properly (bad food, unfair discipline, unwanted outings and so forth), and/or.* refusing Refusing to talk to the other parent when they telephonehe or she telephones.
The most serious expressions of a change in the child's attachment to a parent include:
* pitching Pitching temper tantrums before leaving for the visit (younger children),.* becoming Becoming enraged about being forced to go to the other parent (older children),.* stating Stating that they hate he or she "hates" the other parent,.* threats Threats about running away or involving the police (older children),.* pleading Pleading to do anything except go on the visit,.* making Making bizarre and unlikely claims about the other parent's conduct (abuse, neglect and so forth), and/or.* constantly Constantly making insulting comments about the other parent or putting the other parent down ("he's such a jerk," "she can't do anything right," and so forth).
Even mild indications that a child is growing emotionally distant from a parent are disturbing and warrant some attention by both parents. When a child is clearly heading from feeling ambivalent about a parent to feeling hatred towards that parent, parents should seriously consider getting the child professional help from counselors who specialize in helping children cope with and adjust to the separation of their parents. It is often helpful for the parents themselves to find some counselling and guidance on how to approach parenting time and contact issues with the child.
*making negative comments about the other parent to the child,
*stating or implying that the child is in danger when with the other parent,
*grilling the child about their his or her activities, meals and living conditions when with the other parent,
*stating or implying that the activities, meals and living conditions offered by the other parent are deficient or problematic,
*setting up activities that the child will enjoy during times when the child is with the other parent,
*telling the child that it's up to them him or her to decide whether to visit the other parent, and/or
*stating or implying that the child is being abused or maltreated by the other parent.
I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences, a bit of research, and some common sense. For the same reason, be cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.
I also wish to acknowledge that the bulk of this section was drawn from two sources in particular: Dr. Deirdre Rand's 1997 article, "[http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rand11.htm The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome (Part II)]" in the American Journal of Forensic Psychology; and, a 2001 article by Drs. Joan Kelly and Janet Johnston, "[http://jkseminars.com/pdf/AlienatedChildArt.pdf The Alienated Child: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome,]" , published in Family Court Review. Both articles are excellent and should be read if you believe that estrangement or alienation is an issue in your family.
==What the experts say about parental alienation==
===Gardner's Parental Alienation Syndrome===
In 1997, Dr. Deirdre Rand published an article called "[http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rand11.htm The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome (Part II)]" in the ''American Journal of Forensic Psychology'', summarizing and updating Dr. Gardner's theory. In that article, Dr. Rand describes PAS as the child's formation of an "alignment" with one parent against the other. Think of "alignment " as meaning an alliance, or a sense of allegiance, in which a child comes to share the views and emotions of one parent over those of the other parent.
A study by J.R. Johnston and L.E. Campbell in 1988 found a measurable degree of alignment between children and one parent in 35 to 40% of the high-conflict cases they studied. In a 1993 article in ''Children of Divorce who Refuse Visitation'', Johnston reported finding strong alignments in 28 to 43% of 9- to 12-year-olds in high-conflict cases, with another 29% showing symptoms of a mild alignment.
To this list, I would add two more categories:
*'''Distracting:''' The alienating parent sets up oppositional activities, goals or interests, some of which conflict with the other parent's time with the child. This could be, for (For example, enrolling the child in a sports team and placing a high value on the child's participation such that the child is upset to miss a game or practice when with the other parent, or telling the child that they he or she won't make the team if the child doesn't attend all the games or practices including those scheduled during the other parent's time.)
*'''Resigning:''' The alienating parent ceases to accept responsibility for the child's time with the other parent, and appears to leave it up to the child to decide whether to go or not go. This forces the child to make the choice to see the other parent, knowing that the alienating parent doesn't want the child to go at all, putting the child in a loyalty conflict.
The mental health community has been split on PAS for a number of reasons:
===Contemporary perspectives on alienated children===
In their 2001 article "[http://jkseminars.com/pdf/AlienatedChildArt.pdf The Alienated Child]", published in ''Family Court Review'', Drs. Kelly and Johnston propose a reformulation of Dr. Gardner's theory that would focus primarily on the alienated child rather than on the alienating parent, on the principle that there are many different factors that can cause a child to be alienated from a parent apart from a malicious parent.
Drs. Kelly and Johnston view a child's relationships with their his or her parents as falling on a spectrum that runs from the child wanting a positive relationship with both parents to the child being pathologically alienated from one parent:
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While the process of alienation is underway, children are subject to a tremendous conflict of loyalties, which compounds the burden of nurturing an emotionally troubled parent, particularly when the alienation is intentional. When the parents were together, their children loved them both, and children naturally desire for this to continue even when their parents aren't together. Alienating conduct essentially asks children to pick sides, to chose one parent permanently and irrevocably over the other parent.
In G.F. Cartwright's article "[http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/cartwr93.htm Expanding the Parameters of Parental Alienation Syndrome]," published in the ''American Journal of Family Therapy'' in 1993, a number of long-term psychological problems were found in children in alienation situations, including:
In A. Lampel's article "[http://www.canadiancrc.com/Parental_Alienation_Syndrome_Canada/lampel96.pdf Children's Alignment with Parents in Highly Conflicted Custody Cases]," published in the F''amily Family and Conciliation Courts Review'' in 1996, these psychological problems were found to include:
Finally, when the process of alienation is complete, the child will have chosen sides. The child's relationship with the other parent may be permanently impaired. While many children afflicted by alienation will recover in their mid- to late-teens and reach out to the other parent, some never do, and their relationship with the other parent is permanently destroyed. To quote from the judge in a 2005 Ontario case, ''[http://canlii.ca/t/1jgqp Cooper v. Cooper]'', 2004 CanLII 47783 (ON SC):
While evidence of alienation is necessary before a court can make a determination that it has occurred or make orders to ameliorate it, the impact of that behaviour or the allegation that it has occurred can give rise to situations where children become actively involved in the court action.
In a case called [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/2017/2017bcsc495/2017bcsc495.html?autocompleteStr=j.e.s.d&autocompletePos=2 ''J.E.S.D v. Y.E.P''], a 16 year old asked the court to have a lawyer appointed for her when she did not agree with the evidence of an expert witness who found that she was alienated from her father. The court in the circumstances did not find that it was appropriate for the child to have her own lawyer, or to be named a party to the action. However, because the Supreme Court of British Columbia has authority under the concept of [httpsWhile the court directed that an ''amicus'' be appointed, who that person was, or how they he or she would be paid, was not considered.
://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parens_patriae ''parens patriae''] to make an order to protect someone who cannot protect himself or herself, the court ordered that an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amicus_curiae ''amicus''] be appointed. The court referred to the Honourable Madam Justice Martinson's decision in [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/1999/1999canlii5928/1999canlii5928.html?autocompleteStr=dormer%20v.%2F&autocompletePos=1 ''Dormer v. Thomas'']. In later [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/2017/2017bcsc666/2017bcsc666.html?resultIndex=1 reasons], the court ordered that the Attorney General for British Columbia pay for the amicus for the child.
===Alienated parents===
Parents often find themselves feeling closer to their the children following separation than they did during the relationship. Dr. Rand says that fathers in particular find a greater reward in parenting as a result of the loss, loneliness, and feelings of failure that can follow from the breakdown of the relationship. Accordingly, the impact of parental alienation is particularly traumatic to the targeted parent.
====Backing off====
D.S. Huntington, in an article published in 1986 in ''Divorce and Fatherhood'', noted that some parents can be driven off by a child's apparent rejection and refusal to visit. J.W. Jacobs, in a different article in the same book, says that targeted parents may also "voluntarily " withdraw from the child's life where, in their view, the child would suffer if the custody issues were pursued, or if the child would be exposed to additional conflict between the parents.
====Contributing to the problem====
In cases that are profoundly high conflict, false claims may be made, usually by the alienating parent, that the other parent has sexually or physically abused the child. Sometimes this is the fruit of the paranoia with which the alienating parent views the other parent, when a diaper rash turns into sexual assault and a bruise from falling off a jungle gym turns into proof of a beating. Sometimes, however, false claims are a part of the campaign to alienate the other parent when the alienation is intentional.
For the targeted parent, claims of this nature are devastating because they are so very difficult to disprove and they attack the moral fitness of the parent in a fundamental and humiliating way. While the claim is being defended, however, the parent may spends months without seeing their his or her child. Even if the claim can be disproven, the parent may find that so much time has been lost that their his or her relationship with the child is damaged. (Note that even unproven claims may result in arrest and possible criminal charges. Even where there are no criminal charges, a parent who has been arrested is invariably released following arrest on a promise not to contact the other parent or the child.)
Interestingly, K.L. Ross and G.J. Blush, in an article published in in 1990 in ''Issues in Child Abuse Allegations'', observed that falsely accused parents typically displayed passive behaviour in contrast to the accuser's excitable and hysterical behaviour. An American attorney Dr. Rand mentions says that the falsely accused parents she represents in parental alienation cases are typically emotionally and financially stable people, who were often the child's primary parent before separation.
When a child is becoming estranged or alienated, or when parental alienation is suspected, the situation must be dealt with as soon as possible. In most cases, these sorts of problems occur in the context of ongoing litigation, and the problem can usually be dealt with in the context of that litigation.
===Needs of the Child Assessmentschild assessments===
Section 211 of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' allows a court to order that a Needs needs of the Child Assessmentchild assessment, formerly called a Custody custody and Access Reportaccess report, be prepared. If the other parent will not agree to the preparation of a Needs needs of the Child Assessmentchild assessment, you must apply for an order that the report be prepared.
Proper Needs needs of the Child Assessments child assessment are prepared by a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or another mental health professional, who interviews each of the parents separately, and then interviews the child twice, once in the presence of each parent. The assessor may also give the children and the parents certain common psychological tests, such as personality evaluations and parenting inventories. Most often it's only the parents who are tested. The assessor will then prepare a report that sets out their his or her observations and recommendations.
In making an order that a Needs needs of the Child Assessment child assessment be prepared, the court can simply say "a report will be prepared" or it can be more detailed and discuss which person will prepare the report, when it will be finished, and who will pay for it. Most importantly, the order can identify particular issues that the assessor is to address in the report. Where a report is sought because of suspected parental alienation, the order should expressly state that the assessor is to see whether alienation is or is not happening.
===Fixing the problem===
Frankly, it may be impossible to fix a child's alienation from one of their his or her parents even when alienation has been identified by a psychiatrist. In a 1988 article by N.R. Palmer published in the ''American Journal of Family Therapy'', Palmer quotes a Florida judge who dealt with an alienation case:
<blockquote>"The Court has no doubt that the cause of the blind, brainwashed, bigoted belligerence of the children toward the father grew from the soil nurtured, watered and tilled by the mother. The Court is thoroughly convinced that the mother breached every duty she owed as the custodial parent to the noncustodial parent of instilling love, respect and feeling in the children for their father. Worse, she slowly dripped poison into the minds of these children, maybe even beyond the power of this Court to find the antidote."</blockquote>
Dr. Gardner's solution was to remove the child from the care of the alienating parent. This is, in most cases, a drastic solution which forces the child to live full-time with the parent they have he or she has been taught to dislike and distrust. It may still be appropriate in the right circumstances. This is what the Supreme Court did in the 2009 case of ''[http://canlii.ca/t/22pjw A.A. v. S.N.A.]'', 2009 BCSC 303 when it found that the mother had "continued to undermine the relationship between [the child] and her father" and "acted in ways that are detrimental to [the child's] psychological healing.," The court and ordered that the child have no contact with her mother at all for one year. This kind of solution remains the exception rather than the rule.
In most cases, however, the best that can be done to "cure " the problem is to obtain an order requiring that the child, the alienated parent, or both the child and the parent see a family counsellor skilled in dealing with the psychological effects of separation. The court can specify who the counsellor will be, how frequent the sessions will be, and who will pay for them. There is no guarantee that counselling will fix the problem since the source of the problem lies in the conduct of the alienating parent, but counselling is a less drastic step and will be easier to obtain than an order changing the children's home.
In a small number of cases, it may prove impossible to ameliorate an alienated child's views about the targeted parent. These cases are tragic and a legal solution may not be available. When the alienation becomes deeply entrenched, the issue about which parent bears the blame for the children's views is irrelevant. You can lay blame, but that won't change the fact of how the children feel. In situations like this, the targeted parent may have no choice but to wait until the children become mature and independent enough to seek out the parent and talk about their childhood.
===Academic materials===
The January 2010 edition of [http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/fcre.2010.48.issue-1/issuetoc ''Family Court Review''], published by the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, is entirely devoted to the issue of alienated and estranged children. If you can get your hands on a copy, you should. It offers an up-to-date look at current court practices and the latest literature on the subject and was edited by two prominent Canadians, Professor Nick Bala, a law professor at Queen's University, and Dr. Barbara Jo Fidler, a psychologist and mediator based in Toronto.
The following articles were suggested as recommended readings on child alienation and estrangement by Dr. Joan Kelly at a June 2005 seminar in Vancouver.
*Buchanan, C., Maccoby, E., & Dombusch, S. (1991) "Caught between parents: Adolescents’ experience in divorced homes." ''Child Development''*Buehler, C., Krishnakumar, A., Stone, G., Anthony, C., Pemberton, S., Gerard, J., & Barber, B.K. (1998) "Interparental conflict styles and youth problem behaviors: A two-sample replication study." ''Journal of Marriage & Family''
*Clawar, S.S. & Rivlin, B.V. (1991) Children held hostage: Dealing with programmed and brainwashed children
*Cummings, E. & Davies, P. (1994) Children and marital conflict
*Dunne, J. & Hedrick, M. (1994) "The parental alienation syndrome: An analysis of sixteen selected cases." ''Journal of Divorce and Remarriage''*Emery, R. E. (2004) "Parental alienation syndrome: Proponents bear the burden of proof." ''Family Court Review''*Faller, K.C. (1998) "The parental alienation syndrome, What is it and what data support it?" ''Child Maltreatment''*Freeman, R., Abel, D., Cowper-Smith, M., & Stein, L. (2004) "Reconnecting children with absent parents: A model for intervention" ''Family Court Review''
*Gardner, R.A. (1998) The parental alienation syndrome
*Johnston, J. R. (2003) "Parental alignments and rejection: An empirical study of alienation in children of divorce." ''Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and Law''*Johnston, J.R. (1993) "Children of divorce who refuse visitation," in C. Depner & J.H. Bray (Eds.), ''Non-residential parenting: New vistas in family living''*Johnston, J. R. & Kelly, J.B. (2004) "Rejoinder to Gardner’s 'Commentary on Kelly and Johnston’s The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome'." ''Family Court Review''*Johnston, J. R. & Kelly, J. B. (2004) "Commentary on Walker, Brantley & Rigsbee’s 'A critical analysis of parental alienation and its admissibility in the family court'." ''Journal of Child Custody''
*Johnston, J.R. & Roseby, V. (1997) In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of high-conflict and violent families.
*Johnston, J.R., Walters, M.G., & Friedlander, S. (2001) "Therapeutic work with alienated children and their families." ''Family Courts Review''*Kelly, J. B. (2000) "Children’s adjustment in conflicted marriage and divorce: A decade review of research." ''Journal of the American Academy of Child Adolescent Psychiatry''*Kelly, J. (2003) "Parents with enduring child disputes: Multiple pathways to enduring disputes." ''Journal of Family Studies''*Kelly, J. (2003) "Parents with enduring child disputes: Focused interventions with parents in enduring disputes." ''Journal of Family Studies''*Kelly, J. (2002) "Psychological and legal interventions for parents and children in custody and access disputes: Current research and practice." ''Virginia Journal of Social Policy and Law''*Kelly, J. & Emery, R. (2003) "Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives." ''Family Relations''*Kelly, J.B. & Johnston, J.R. (2001) "The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome." ''Family Courts Review''*Kline, M., Johnston, J., & Tschann, J. (1990) "The long shadow of marital conflict: a model of children’s postdivorce adjustment." ''Journal of Marriage & Family''*Lampel, A.K. (1996) "Children’s alignments with parents in highly conflicted custody cases." ''Family & Conciliation Courts Review''*Lee, S. M. & Olesen, N. W. (2001) "Assessing for alienation in child custody and access evaluations." ''Family Courts Review''*Lund, M. (1995) "A therapist’s view of parental alienation syndrome." ''Family & Conciliation Courts Review''*Rand, D.C. (1997) "The spectrum of parent alienation: Part 1." ''American Journal of Forensic Psychology''*Rand, D.C. (1997) "The spectrum of parent alienation: Part 2." ''American Journal of Forensic Psychology''*Sullivan, M. J. & Kelly, J.B. (2001) "Legal and psychological management of cases with an alienated child." ''Family Courts Review''*Turkat, I.D. (1994) "Child visitation interference in divorce." ''Clinical Psychology Review''*Waldron, K.H. & Joanes, D.E. (1996) "Understanding and collaboratively treating parental alienation syndrome." ''American Journal of Family Law''*Wallerstein, J.S. & Kelly, J.B. (1976) "The effects of parental divorce: Experiences of the child in later latency." ''American Journal of Orthopsychiatry''
*Wallerstein, J.S.. & Kelly, K.B. (1980) Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce.
*Warshak, R. A. (2003) "Bring sense to parental alienation: A look at the disputes and the evidence." ''Family Law Quarterly''*Warshak, R. A. (2003) "Payoffs and pitfalls of listening to children." ''Family Relations''*Wood, C. (1994) "The parental alienation syndrome: A dangerous aura of reliability." ''Loyola of Los Angeles Law Review''
===Online information===
A good starting point for online research is the website of the [http://www.spig.clara.net/ Shared Parenting Information Group], a UK organization, which has a good discussion of the subject and plenty of useful links.
A final note of caution. Many of the groups you'll find online that offer information on alienation and PAS, such as Fathers Are Capable Too, seem to regard PAS as a men's rights or fathersfather' s rights issue. In part this is because the majority of alienating parents are mothers. However, some of these sites go too far and identify feminism, or rather their prejudice against feminism, with the small number of women who engage in alienating behaviour. Fathers also engage in alienating behaviour. Take care in your sources of information and make sure you're reading between the lines.
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==Further Reading in this Chapter==