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Difference between revisions of "Parenting Apart"
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==Introduction== | ==Introduction== | ||
If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you | If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you have three things to consider. | ||
First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you and your former partner have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends. | First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you and your former partner have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends. | ||
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No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court <span class="noglossary">will</span> take. | No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court <span class="noglossary">will</span> take. | ||
You <span class="noglossary"> | You <span class="noglossary">may</span> have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfortable with and one that your children have become accustomed to. | ||
After separation, that routine | After separation, that routine just may not be possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both of you being around the house, or on the schedules you used to keep. They can no longer count on all the little things like the bedtime story from dad, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with mum, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on. | ||
Separation can also see parents changing their roles. A parent who has not been as involved may become more involved. This can be challenging for some parents and what must be kept in mind is that children all people in their lives to be doing their best. A more involved parent is almost always something that helps children. What harms children is conflict; conflict in intact and restructured families. | |||
While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. Your job, regardless of your own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect your children from your dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will be in the best interests of your children. | While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. Your job, regardless of your own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect your children from your dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will be in the best interests of your children. | ||
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==Parenting after separation== | ==Parenting after separation== | ||
Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time. | Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal or near-equal (i.e. shared) time. | ||
The ''Family Law Act'' specifically dismisses this perspective. | The ''Family Law Act'' specifically dismisses this perspective. | ||
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Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure that their needs are met. | Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure that their needs are met. | ||
While many families work well with a week on/week off schedule or other shared parenting arrangements, the ''Family Law Act'' rejects the notion that parents should have the right to | While many families work well with a week on/week off schedule or other shared parenting arrangements, the ''Family Law Act'' rejects the notion that parents should have the right to, or the expectation of, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation, as set out in s. 40(4) of the ''Family Law Act.'' | ||
Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest or ability to in participate in the lives and parenting of their children. Some parents may be quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abuse, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in their child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible. | Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest or ability to in participate in the lives and parenting of their children. Some parents may be quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abuse, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in their child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible. | ||
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Divorce or separation doesn't mess kids up — conflict does. Conflict in intact families and separated families is bad for children. | Divorce or separation doesn't mess kids up — conflict does. Conflict in intact families and separated families is bad for children. | ||
Community Mediation Ottawa, formerly the Ottawa Center for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts. | |||
'''Things to think about:''' | '''Things to think about:''' | ||
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===Parenting schedules=== | ===Parenting schedules=== | ||
While there is an assumption that equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, that is not | While there is an assumption that equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, this is not and and it is not the law in British Columbia. Section 40 (4) of the ''Family Law Act reads'': | ||
:(4) In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed: | |||
::(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians; | |||
::(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians; | |||
::(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together. | |||
Shared parenting is not necessary equal parenting and what children need is for their parents or guardians to cooperate as much as possible, focusing on what the children need. Some things to be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule are: the child's age, relationships, and each parent's parenting skills and abilities. | |||
Very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent (generally the breastfeeding mother) for long periods of time. In situations like this, there may be very frequent but shorter periods of parenting time for the non-breastfeeding parent. This will change, of course, as the child grows older. | Very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent (generally the breastfeeding mother) for long periods of time. In situations like this, there may be very frequent but shorter periods of parenting time for the non-breastfeeding parent. This will change, of course, as the child grows older. | ||
Not all parents have the time to devote to | Not all parents have the time to devote to a shared parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children. | ||
====Different Parenting Schedules==== | ====Different Parenting Schedules==== | ||
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|} | |} | ||
==== | ====Shared Schedule==== | ||
In | In a shared parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed. | ||
Some children may be able to start spending a shared amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent. | |||
By grade two or three, many children may be able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork, although exchanging on Tuesday prevents any arguments about who was responsible for ensuring that weekend homework got done. | By grade two or three, many children may be able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork, although exchanging on Tuesday prevents any arguments about who was responsible for ensuring that weekend homework got done. | ||
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By the time the child is in their early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement may be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and their preferences should be taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span>. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the child and the parents. | By the time the child is in their early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement may be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and their preferences should be taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span>. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the child and the parents. | ||
There are some parents who achieve | There are some parents who achieve shared parenting by the unequal sharing of holidays. | ||
The ''Family Law Act'' also requires that parents, guardians and the court consider the child’s views, “unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)). Many parents and guardians know what their children want and need; however, children have a legal right to have a voice. | |||
The Hear the Child Society http://hearthechild.ca/ offers useful information about the rights of children and a roster of people who prepare non-evaluative reports of children’s views. | |||
===Parenting plans=== | ===Parenting plans=== | ||
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===Sample parenting plans=== | ===Sample parenting plans=== | ||
A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [ | A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online. | ||
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/FCS_sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues | *[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/FCS_sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues | ||
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You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused. | You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused. | ||
For an example from British Columbia, see the Parenting After Separation Worksheet # 4 about creating a parenting plan: https://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/birth-adoption-death-marriage-and-divorce/divorce/family/basics/help/p-a-s/pas-handbook.pdf. | |||
There is also a do-it-yourself separation agreement kit on the Legal Services Society website, which contains some information about parenting plans: https://familylaw.lss.bc.ca/guides/separation/parenting.php | |||
===Common visitation issues=== | ===Common visitation issues=== | ||
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A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter. | A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter. | ||
Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society] or Views of the Child | Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society], which has a roster of reporters who prepare Hear the Child Reports. In addition to non-evaluative reports, people may wish to obtain a or Views of the Child Report, which can offer recommendations or insight as to why a child is behaving in a particular way. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why. | ||
====Parents' refusal to visit==== | ====Parents' refusal to visit==== | ||
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604-291-5846 fax</blockquote> | 604-291-5846 fax</blockquote> | ||
The provincial | The provincial Justice Access Centres https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/justice/about-bcs-justice-system/jac may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at: | ||
<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660- | <blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-2084<br> | ||
Victoria: 250- | Victoria: 250-356-7012<br></blockquote> | ||
===Recommended reading for parents=== | ===Recommended reading for parents=== | ||
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===Links=== | ===Links=== | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program] | ||
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{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Samantha Rapoport]] April | {{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Samantha Rapoport]] April 15, 2019}} | ||
{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}} | {{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}} | ||
