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→Children and parenting after separation
In short, you are the parent, and your children have the right to expect you to do the job of parenting them.
===New stuff===
Some people best manage a breakup by walking out the door and never looking back, and doing their grieving alone. This just isn't possible where there is property to manage and divide, and it's especially not possible when people have children. You can't change your phone number, you can't stop answering the phone or replying to texts, and you can't refuse to see your former partner if you have children. You are still mom or dad, and you'll always be mom or dad and have a relationship with the other parent .
As a result, it's even more important that you properly manage your emotions after separation when you have children. You may be caught up in a whirlwind of anger and remorse at the present, but you have to think of the long-term effect of any rash behaviour. Do you want to be able to attend your child's graduation ceremony? Do you want to go to your child's wedding, or be there when their own child is born? How do you want your child to think of you in five years, or look back on your separation when they're young adults?
It is enormously difficult, but you simply must keep a lid on your emotions while you grieve. Dr. Emery offers these suggestions in The Truth about Children and Divorce:
First, draw clear boundaries around your relationship with your former partner. Let your partner know what you're prepared to talk to them about, what information you're prepared to share, and what if anything you're prepared to do with the children together.
Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner and focus on the work you must do together.
Third, respect these new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries; keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but you're best off following this old saying: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
A warning about children[edit]
It can be extremely tempting to rely on your children for support and comfort as you go through the grieving process, especially children in their teens. One word: don't. Whatever else you may do, don't do this.
Children will be well aware when something's wrong. They will know when you're upset, when you're withdrawn, and when you're crying. Younger children will react with confusion and possibly fear. Older children who are more emotionally sophisticated will want to comfort you. There's nothing wrong with this either, but you do need to control your emotions.
When a child becomes too involved in soothing a parent, there are two main risks: you may develop an overly adult relationship with the child and burden the child with too much information about what's going on, information that is usually age-inappropriate; or, the child may turn into a caretaker, handling your emotions, picking up the housework that's falling behind, and assuming a parenting role towards any younger children.
According to Dr. Emery, "extreme emotional care taking is developmentally inappropriate and can have long-term consequences on children's mental health;" this view is shared by other researchers as well. Children who grow up too soon are robbed of their right to be children. In the long-term they may have trouble forming meaningful relationships, they may be emotionally distant, and they may be compulsively over-responsible.
===Parenting resources===