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Sometimes, a little bit of work on your communication skills helps. Partly, good communication after separation is about leaving the past behind you, at least as far as the end your relationship is concerned, and choosing your words carefully, think not just about ''what'' you're saying but about how the other parent is likely to ''hear'' what you're saying. There are also some really effective communication techniques that can improve how you have difficult conversations with the other parent, such as [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening active listening], being alert to the assumptions you're making, and being aware of your body language and how it influences what other people think you're saying. Bill Eddy, a lawyer and social worker known for his work with high-conflict families, talks about poor communications can put people into a defensive "react" mode rather than a constructive "respond" mode. Mr. Eddy says that communications after separation should be brief, informative, friendly and firm, and I recommend his book on the subject, ''[https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Responses-High-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns/dp/1936268728 BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns]''.
Another thing that might help is establishing good boundaries, boundaries that reflect the new relationship you have with the other parent. Robert Emery, a therapist and professor of psychology, says that you should first draw clear boundaries around your relationship with the other parent. Let them know what you're prepared to talk about, what information you're prepared to share, and how and when you're not prepared to communicate. Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner and focus on the work you must do together. Finally, he says, you've got to respect the new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries; keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but it's important to try. I also recommend Dr. Emery's book about parenting apart, ''[https://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Children-Divorce-Emotions/dp/0452287162 The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive]''.
Something else that might help is limiting how and when you and the other parent come into contact with each other. You might think about whether it would help to reduce the number of transitions that the children have to make between your homes, or whether you can use the children's school to avoid in-person contact with the other parent altogether — on transition days one of you drops the kids off at school at the start of the school day, and the other picks them up at the end of the school day. You might think about signing up for an online service like [https://www.ourfamilywizard.com Our Family Wizard] that provides a message board (which includes a helpful "tone meter" that can check your messages before you send them!), a calendar, and a journal for sharing events in the children's lives.