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| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}This section is all about putting your children first and developing parenting arrangements that work best well for the children while also working for you. It provides a <span class="noglossary">brief</span> introduction to parenting after separation and talks about a few of the things that you probably want to think about when figuring out the plans arrangements for parenting after separation that are most likely to be in your children's best interests. It also provides examples of different kinds of parenting arrangements that might help you develop your own.
While the other sections in this chapter, especially the section "[[Basic_Principles_of_Parenting_after_Separation|Parenting after Separation]]," discuss the legal issues involved in deciding how children <span class="noglossary">will</span> be cared for after a couple separate, they don't say much about the practical day-to-day issues involved in parenting after separation and exactly how options for dividing children's time could be divided between their parents' homes. This section will briefly discuss what it means to parent after separation and how separation affects children, but mostly focuses on building good parenting arrangements. It might help to read the "[[Separating Emotionally]]" section when you're done here.
==Introduction==
If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you have three things to consider. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you and your former partner have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.
No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the parenting of your children after separation must take takes priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and ahead of those of your former partner. This is certainly the view that a judge or an arbitrator <span class="noglossary">will</span> take.
You <span class="noglossary">may</span> have found that, during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfortable with and one that your children became accustomed to. After separation, that routine just may not be possible anymore, especially if you and your former partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can't rely on both of you being around the house, or on the day-to-day schedules you used to keep. They can't count on all the little things still happening, like the bedtime story from dadstories, special breakfasts, and playing catch after school with mom. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.
Separation can also see changes in the roles played by parents. A parent who hasn't been particularly involved with the children may become more involved; a parent who used to be very involved may step back a bit. This can be challenging for some parents, and what needs to be kept in mind is that children need all of the adults in their lives to do their best. A parent becoming more involved is almost always something that is good for children. What harms children is conflict, conflict in both intact and separated families. On the other hand, sometimes stepping back, at least for a little while, can reduce conflict.
Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policymakers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with their child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of their relationship. As a result, shared parenting — an arrangement in which the parents share their children's time equally or almost equally — is becoming increasingly commonplace, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to their child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are winning parents and losing parents when it comes time to determine the best parenting arrangements for a child.
Words like "custody" and "access" are still used in some provinces. These are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their roles and responsibilities in the children's lives. This, and a wish to refocus the "rights" involved in parenting more on children than on parents, are two of the big reasons why the provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. They're also why the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'' was overhauled on 1 March 1, 2021 to get rid of "custody" and "access" and instead talk about spouses who exercise ''decision-making responsibilities'' for their children and have ''parenting time'' with them, and people who aren't spouses who may have ''contact'' with a child. These changes are huge improvements in the legislation about parenting after separation.
===A few notes from JP Boyd===
I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counsellor. As a result, this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it's based largely on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason, you are cautioned that this section should not shouldn't be used as an authority on parenting. The goal of this section is simply to provide some information that may be helpful for parents to consider as they make decisions about parenting after separation.
There are lots of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 parenting after separation programs] offered by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia, as well as some very good [https://parenting-after-separation.jibc.ca online programs] developed by the Justice Institute of British Columbia. Other good programs are available from other provinces, including Alberta's [https://www.alberta.ca/pashc.aspx Parenting After Separation for Families in High Conflict] program. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you take one of these programs. No matter how good — or bad! — you think your relationship is with your ex-partner, these programs are usually very helpful. Also, in some cases, you may find yourself being ordered to attend a parenting after separation program by the court.
==Children and parenting apart==
As we discussed in the section "[[Separating Emotionally]]," separation stirs up a turbulent stew of powerful emotions that can take a surprisingly long time to work through, and often wind winds up clouding parents' judgment. You can find yourself doing things and saying things you never thought you would, or doing things you promised you'd never do again. In the midst of all of this, you may also find yourself having to resolve critical legal issues that will have a profound effect on your future and the futures of your children.
When people a couple have children, they have to accept that they'll remain a part of each other's lives unless their children predecease them, whether they like it or not. They may no longer be partners, but they will ''always '' be parents. Parental relationships don't end along with romantic relationships. If you've had children together, you're stuck with each other.
It's impossible to emphasize enough how important it is to always put the children first. Having said that, putting the children's needs and interests ahead of your own can be extremely challenging when you're also trying to cope with the intense emotions involved in separation. It can be tremendously difficult to refrain from badmouthing your former partner to the children, never mind put energy into supporting their relationships with your former partner. However, if you care about your children, you don't really have a choice.
The reality is that it's not separation that messes kids up, it's conflict. Conflict Children can be incredibly resilient. But conflict between parents, whether they're still together or have separated, can have serious short- and long-term consequences for children. These consequences can affect their relationship with one or both of their parents, their performance in school and how long they stay in school, their choices about the other kids they hang out with, and their relationships with other people as teenagers and adults. It can also affect how children perceive conflict and how they resolve conflicts of their own.
Community Mediation Ottawa, formerly the Ottawa Center for Family and Community Mediation, has some helpful suggestions about parenting apart:
<blockquote>'''Things to think about:'''
*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
'''Children may be harmed if they:'''
'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''
In short, you are the parent, and your children have the right to expect you to do the job of parenting them.
Another thing that might help is establishing good boundaries, boundaries that reflect the new relationship you have with the other parent. Robert Emery, a therapist and professor of psychology, says that you should first draw clear boundaries around your relationship with the other parent. Let them know what you're prepared to talk about, what information you're prepared to share, and how and when you're not prepared to communicate. Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner and focus on the work you must do together. Finally, he says, you've got to respect the new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries; keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but it's important to try. I also recommend Dr. Emery's book about parenting apart, ''[https://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Children-Divorce-Emotions/dp/0452287162 The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive]''.
Something else that might help is limiting how and when you and the other parent come into contact with each other. You might think about whether it would help to reduce the number of transitions that the children have to make between your homes, or whether you can avoid in-person contact with the other parent altogether by exchanging the children through their school — on transition days, one of you drops the kids off at school at the start of the school day, and the other picks them up at the end of the school day — or through a relative, a family friend, or an exchange service. You might think about signing up for an online service like [https://www.ourfamilywizard.com Our Family Wizard] that provides a message board (a message board which includes a helpful "tone meter" that can check your messages before you send them!), a calendar, and a journal for sharing events in the children's lives.
Once you've got the children's parenting arrangements sorted out, you might also think about hiring a parenting coordinator to help you implement those arrangements. Parenting coordinators work with parents to resolve parenting problems as they arise, help parents put the needs and interests of children first, and improve parents' communication and dispute resolution skills. [[Parenting_Coordination|Parenting coordination]] is a child-focussed process that is aimed at reducing conflict between parents and the children's exposure to their parents' conflict.
There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.
====Programs Public programs and services====
The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation Program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is Although it's the mandatory program required of parents at some Provincial Family Court locations, but is it's open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2636 Parenting After Separation Handbook] online, in English, simplified Chinese (simplified), Punjabi, and French.
The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond, and Vancouver; call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas; call 604-597-0205.
====Recommended reading for parents====
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality excellent resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
The federal government website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting arrangements] that links to three useful resources:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool].
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope]with separation and divorce.
There are lots of good books about parenting apart that will be available at your local bookstore or through online shopping services like Amazon, including these (my favourites are in bold):
The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions provided by the Vancouver family law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.
*''At Daddy’s on Saturdays'', by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for (ages 5+)*''Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families'', by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for (ages 4+)*''Divorce is a Grown Up Problem'', by J. Sinberg; for (ages 4+)*''Let’s Talk About It: Divorce'', by F. Rogers; for (ages 5+)*''On Divorce'' by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for (ages 3+)*''What’s Going to Happen to Me?'', by E. Leshan; for (ages 9+)*''Why Are We Getting a Divorce?'', by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for (ages 6+)
The website [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] is designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. The website presents differently for younger children versus teens; both versions are very well put together.
==Developing parenting arrangements==
The terms the legislation uses to describe the arrangements plans that are made by parents, arbitrators and judges are a bit of a disastermess. Under the provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'', ''"parenting arrangements'' " are arrangements about parental responsibilities and parenting time made after separation, whether those arrangements are in an agreement or in an order. "Parenting arrangements" doesn't include agreements and orders about contact. I suppose those would be called ''contact agreements'' and ''contact orders'', although the legislation doesn't say so. Under the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', a ''parenting order'' is an order about decision-making responsibility and parenting time, and a ''contact order'' is an order about contact just like you'd expect. A ''parenting plan'', on the other hand, is the part of a written agreement about decision-making responsibility, parenting time, or contact. "Parenting plan" doesn't include arbitratorarbitrators's awards or judgejudges's orders.
What's important, really, is that everyone understands what you're talking about. Although there are important differences between agreements and orders, call the plans for the care of your children after separation whatever you'd like. No one's going to get hung up on the fact that you talked about a parenting plan rather than parenting arrangements or a parenting order as long as you're clear about whether you're talking about an agreement you've made with your former partner, an award made by an arbitrator or an order made by a judge.