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→The best interests of the children
If you are asking for an order or award about parenting after separation, it is very important that you have read and understand the best-interests factors, and that you think about how you can give evidence to the court about the different factors.
===Children's experiences of separation===
The end of an important relationship is always difficult for parents. It can be just as difficult, if not worse, for their children. How children cope with the end of their parents' relationship has to do with two things: the age and maturity of the children, and how their parents manage the breakdown of their relationship.
Let's move away from the law for a bit and talk about how children experience the separation of their parents. This is an important subject that we'll return to in the [[Parenting_Apart | Parenting Apart]] and [[Children_Who_Resist_Seeing_a_Parent | Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent]] sections of this chapter.
Children don't see things in terms of guardianship, parental responsibilities and parenting time when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Their parents are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, one of them isn't there anymore. Very young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated and others whose parents were never together in the first place. Tweens and teens may have a more grown-up grasp of things, as they'll likely have lost relationships of their own and can appreciate the idea that their parents' relationship has also ended. How children cope with their parents' separation changes as they grow older and more mature and gain more life experience.
Things are a lot different for parents. A significant, often lengthy relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love, and loss — they suddenly find themselves opposed in interest to the person they once loved. They might also find themselves having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues about some of the things that are most important to them, like their children. It's even worse when parents wind up fighting about these things in court.
Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process. Each parent is fighting the other in <span class="noglossary">order</span> to "win," and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to resolving disputes often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. In circumstances like these, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with each of their parents. It's also easy for each parent's view of the other to become clouded by hatred, malice and spite, to the point where nothing the other parent can do is ever right. Attitudes like these are almost impossible to shield from children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without intervention, can come to colour the children's own views of the other parent.
Of course, lots of parents are able to separate like, well, adults. They get counselling when counselling is required, and sometimes get that counselling together. They're mature, treat each other with courtesy and respect for the most part, and acknowledge each other's strengths as people and as parents. These parents don't have a lot of conflict from which the children need to be protected, and how they resolve disagreements can become a helpful model for the children when they have to address problems of their own.
====The impact of separation by age====
How children experience the separation of their parents depends not only on the level of conflict between their parents, but also on their age, stage of development and maturity.
Infants won't understand what's going on when their parents separate, but they will be aware of anger and hostility and will be upset if they're in the middle of yelling and fighting. They'll also be aware of the absence of a parent if one of them moves out. For children of this age, it's particularly important that the parent who's moved out sees the children frequently, usually for shorter periods of time.
Toddlers will also be aware that a parent is missing, but won’t understand why. They are likely to experience anxiety from the change in their home environment, and may have setbacks in their development. A toddler who has been potty trained, for example, may need pullups again. Any lost milestones, however, will be regained. Like infants, it's important that the parent who's moved out sees the children frequently. However, these children will be able to spend longer periods of time with the parent who's moved out, possibly including overnights.
Preschoolers will know that a parent is missing, however their understanding of why the parent is missing will be fuzzy. Children of this age are used to being the centre of attention and may come to believe that something they did caused the separation, and feel guilty as a result.
Children between the ages of 6 to 8, will have a better grasp of what's going on. These children are getting much better at expressing their feelings, but, now that they're in a social environment with other kids at school, they're also learning to hide and mask their feelings, to lie when lying is useful, and to say things that they think other people want to hear. It can be difficult to know exactly how these children are dealing with their parents' separation.
Children aged 9 to 12, on the other hand, are usually angry about their parents' separation and its impact on their lives. They may interpret the separation between their parents as also rejection of themselves by the parent who's moved out.
Teenagers, will have a much more adult understanding of their parents' separation and often appreciate why their parents' relationship didn't work out. However, while teenagers are developing important skills like empathy and have a deepening appreciation of the complexities of interpersonal relationships, they often develop a moral compass that's rigid and uncompromising. They are likely to blame their parents for separation and the upheaval in their personal lives, especially if it means that they've had to move or change schools, and can be highly judgmental toward the parent they see as responsible for the separation.
====The bad news about separation====
Separation is difficult for all children, no matter how well adjusted they and their parents might be. At the most basic level, the separation of a child's parents produces a tremendous change in their family; ever since they can remember, both parents were there and present in their lives, and then, one day, that changes. If that fundamental bedrock feature of their lives can change, what else can change? Anxiety, anger and frustration are pretty understandable responses.
Unfortunately, the social science about the impact of separation shows that children who have experienced the separation of their parents are at high risk of depression, self-harming behaviours, falling behind in school and dropping out of school, promiscuity and pregnancy as teens, misuse of drugs and alcohol, eating disorders, and a bunch of other things. They're also at higher risk of separation and divorce in their own relationships as adults. However, social science also tells us that the impact of parental conflict on children is even worse than the impact of separation. You sometimes hear people in unhappy relationships talking about how they're "staying together for the kids." That's an important point, and shows that these people have placed their children's wellbeing and happiness above their own, but if these people are engaged in high levels of conflict, staying together may be worse for the children than separating.
====The good news about separation====
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==Key legal concepts about parenting after separation==