5,310
edits
Changes
no edit summary
}}This section is all about putting your children first and building good parenting arrangements — arrangments that work for the children and for you. It provides a <span class="noglossary">brief</span> introduction to parenting after separation and talks about a few of the things that you probably want to think about when figuring out the arrangements for parenting after separation that are most likely to be in your children's best interests. It also provides examples of different kinds of parenting arrangements that might help you develop your own.
While the other parts of this chapter, especially the section [[Basic Principles of Parenting after Separation]], discuss the legal issues involved in deciding how children <span class="noglossary">will</span> be cared for after a couple separate, they don't say much about the practical day-to-day issues involved in parenting after separation and options for dividing children's time between their parents' homes. This section will briefly discuss what it means to parent after separation and how separation affects children, but mostly focuses on building good parenting arrangements. It might help to read the section on [[Separating Emotionally]], under in the [[Separating and Getting Divorced]] chapter, when you're done here.
==Introduction==
You may have found that, during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfortable with and one that your children became accustomed to. After separation, that routine just may not be possible anymore, especially if you and your former partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can't rely on both of you being around the house, or on the day-to-day schedules you used to keep. They can't count on all the little things still happening, like bedtime stories, special breakfasts, and playing catch after school. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.
Separation can also see changes in the roles played by parents. A parent who hasn't been particularly involved with the children may become more involved; a parent who used to be very involved may step back a bit. This can be challenging for some parents, and what needs to be kept in mind is that children need all of the adults in their lives to do their best. A parent becoming more involved is almost always something that is good for children. What harms children is conflict, conflict in both intact and separated families. On the other hand, sometimes stepping back, at least for a little while, can reduce conflict.
While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, their children can't. Your job, regardless of your emotional and legal entanglements with the other parent, is to protect your children from your conflict as much as possible, and to develop parenting arrangements that will be in the best interests of your children.
Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policymakers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with their child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of their relationship. As a result, shared parenting — an arrangement in which the parents share their children's time equally or almost equally — is becoming increasingly commonplace, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to their child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are winning parents and losing parents when it comes time to determine the best parenting arrangements for a child.
Words like "custody" and "access" are still used in some provinces. These are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their roles and responsibilities in the children's lives. This, and a wish to refocus the "rights" involved in parenting more on children rather than on parents, are two of the big reasons why the provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. They're also why the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'' was overhauled on 1 March 2021 to get rid of "custody" and "access" and instead talk about spouses who exercise ''decision-making responsibilities'' for their children and have ''parenting time'' with them, and people who aren't spouses who may have ''contact'' with a child. These changes are huge improvements in the legislation about parenting after separation.
===A few notes from JP Boyd===
When a couple have children, they have to accept that they'll remain a part of each other's lives unless their children predecease them, whether they like it or not. They may no longer be partners, but they will ''always'' be parents. Parental relationships don't end along with romantic relationships. If you've had children together, you're stuck with each other.
It's impossible to emphasize enough how important it is to always put the children first. Having said that, putting the children's needs and interests ahead of your own can be extremely challenging when you're also trying to cope with the intense emotions involved in separation. It can be tremendously difficult to refrain from badmouthing your former partner to the children, never mind put putting energy into supporting their relationships with your former partner. However, if you care about your children, you don't really have a choice.
The reality is that it's not separation that messes kids up, it's conflict. Children can be incredibly resilient. But conflict between parents, whether they're still together or have separated, can have serious short- and long-term consequences for children. These consequences can affect their relationship with one or both of their parents, their performance in school and how long they stay in school, their choices about the other kids they hang out with, and their relationships with other people as teenagers and adults. It can also affect how children perceive conflict and how they resolve conflicts of their own.
*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort , but parents can redefine the their relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an <span class="noglossary">answer</span>, or a solution to a problem. Do not allow the child to be in the middle, to <span class="noglossary">act</span> as a messenger, or <span class="noglossary">act</span> as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Do not Don't let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children child to speak about their difficulties problems with the other parent to the other parent; do not don't get caught in the middle. Do not let the children become caught in the middle.
'''Children may be harmed if they:'''
It's easier to say that you'll manage your conflict with the other parent than it is to do. A lot easier. And yet the research about parenting apart and how children adapt to the separation of their parents is full of grim warnings about the serious effects conflict can have on children. No matter how hard it is to manage your conflict, you've ''got'' to try your best.
Sometimes, a little bit of work on your communication skills helps. Partly, good communication after separation is about leaving the past behind you, at least as far as the end your relationship is concerned, and choosing your words carefully; think not just about ''what'' you're saying but about how the other parent is likely to ''hear'' what you're saying. There are also some really effective communication techniques that can improve how you have difficult conversations with the other parent, such as [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening active listening], being alert to the assumptions you're making, and being aware of your body language and how it influences what other people think you're saying. Bill Eddy, a lawyer and social worker known for his work with high-conflict families, talks about how poor communications communication can put people into a defensive "react" mode rather than a constructive "respond" mode. Mr. Eddy says that communications after separation should be brief, informative, friendly and firm, and I recommend his book on the subject, ''[https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Responses-High-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns/dp/1936268728 BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns]''.
Another thing that might help is establishing good boundaries, boundaries that reflect the new relationship you have with the other parent. Robert Emery, a therapist and professor of psychology, says that you should first draw clear boundaries around your relationship with the other parent. Let them know what you're prepared to talk about, what information you're prepared to share, and how and when you're not prepared to communicate. Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner and focus on the work you must do together. Finally, he says, you've got to respect the new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries; keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but it's important to try. I also recommend Dr. Emery's book about parenting apart, ''[https://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Children-Divorce-Emotions/dp/0452287162 The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive]''.