Difference between revisions of "Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent"

Children don't see things in terms of "custody" or "parental responsibilities" when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Mom and dad are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, mom or dad isn't there anymore. Young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated. Pre-teens and teens may seem to have a much more grown-up grasp of things as they'll have lost relationships of their own, and may be able to appreciate the idea that their parents' relationship has ended. How children cope with their parents' separation changes as they grow older and more mature.

*sympathizing with an emotionally upset parent, and

*interests the child shares with a parent, and

*not wanting to leave an upset parent at home, and

These "normal" reasons why a child would be reluctant to see a parent can be aggravated by the unintentional conduct of each parent. Separated parents have a positive duty to nurture their child's relationship with the other parent. In the context of parenting time and contact, this means encouraging the child to look forward to seeing the other parent. In general, this means actively fostering the child's relationship with the other parent and refraining from making negative remarks about the other parent.

*using an emotionless or negative tone of voice when speaking to the children about the other parent, and

An otherwise "normal" resistance to parenting time or contact can cross the line when the child's opinion of the parent and his or her emotional attachment to that parent begins to change. Temper tantrums about a visit, and expressions of rage and hate should send a loud and clear signal that both parents have to work a lot harder to help the child through his or her experience of the separation.

*Expressing ambivalence about visiting the parent (not caring one way or the other about seeing the parent).

*Grumbling about having to go to see the other parent.

*Stating a preference for an activity (playing a game, seeing friends and so forth) over seeing the other parent.

* Expressing a preference for one parent over the other, and a general ambivalence about the other parent.

* Expressing a preference for one home over the other.

* Expressing a worry about missing the parent the child is leaving.

* Being upset that an activity (playing a game, an outing, seeing friends and so forth) will be interrupted by the visit.

* Stating that visits with other parent are boring.

* Being reluctant to speak to the other parent on the telephone.

* Stating that he or she "doesn't like" the other parent.

* Occasionally putting the other parent down.

* Expressions of concern for the well-being of the parent the child is leaving for the visit (older children).

* Crying before the visit (younger children).

* Complaining that "it's not fair" to have to visit (older children).

* Offering promises (studying harder, doing more chores and so forth) in exchange for not having to go on the visit.

* Claiming that the other parent doesn't parent properly (bad food, unfair discipline, unwanted outings and so forth).

* Refusing to talk to the other parent when he or she telephones.

* Pitching temper tantrums before leaving for the visit (younger children).

* Becoming enraged about being forced to go to the other parent (older children).

* Stating that he or she "hates" the other parent.

* Threats about running away or involving the police (older children).

* Pleading to do anything except go on the visit.

* Making bizarre and unlikely claims about the other parent's conduct (abuse, neglect and so forth).

* Constantly making insulting comments about the other parent or putting the other parent down ("he's such a jerk," "she can't do anything right," and so forth).

*grilling the child about his or her activities, meals and living conditions when with the other parent,

*telling the child that it's up to him or her to decide whether to visit the other parent, and

I also wish to acknowledge that the bulk of this section was drawn from two sources in particular: Dr. Deirdre Rand's 1997 article, "[http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rand11.htm The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome (Part II)]" in the American Journal of Forensic Psychology; and, a 2001 article by Drs. Joan Kelly and Janet Johnston, "[http://jkseminars.com/pdf/AlienatedChildArt.pdf The Alienated Child: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome]", published in Family Court Review. Both articles are excellent and should be read if you believe that estrangement or alienation is an issue in your family.

In 1997, Dr. Deirdre Rand published an article called "[http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rand11.htm The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome (Part II)]" in the American Journal of Forensic Psychology, summarizing and updating Dr. Gardner's theory. In that article, Dr. Rand describes PAS as the child's formation of an "alignment" with one parent against the other. Think of "alignment" as meaning an alliance, or a sense of allegiance, in which a child comes to share the views and emotions of one parent over those of the other parent.

*'''Distracting:''' The alienating parent sets up oppositional activities, goals or interests, some of which conflict with the other parent's time with the child. (For example, enrolling the child in a sports team and placing a high value on the child's participation such that the child is upset to miss a game or practice when with the other parent, or telling the child that he or she won't make the team if the child doesn't attend all the games or practices including those scheduled during the other parent's time.)

#There is no empirical support to give PAS status as a diagnosable syndrome.

#The theory focuses almost exclusively on the alienating parent as the cause of the child's rejection.  

#PAS is overly simplistic and frequently misapplied.

In their 2001 article "[http://jkseminars.com/pdf/AlienatedChildArt.pdf The Alienated Child]", published in Family Court Review, Drs. Kelly and Johnston propose a reformulation of Dr. Gardner's theory that would focus primarily on the alienated child rather than on the alienating parent, on the principle that there are many different factors that can cause a child to be alienated from a parent apart from a malicious parent.

Drs. Kelly and Johnston view a child's relationships with his or her parents as falling on a spectrum that runs from the child wanting a positive relationship with both parents to the child being pathologically alienated from one parent:

In G.F. Cartwright's article "[http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/cartwr93.htm Expanding the Parameters of Parental Alienation Syndrome]," published in the American Journal of Family Therapy in 1993, a number of long-term psychological problems were found in children in alienation situations, including:

#depression, anxiety and/or stress,

#delayed emotional maturity,

#psychosomatic illnesses, and

#long-term feelings of guilt and loss.

In A. Lampel's article "[http://www.canadiancrc.com/Parental_Alienation_Syndrome_Canada/lampel96.pdf Children's Alignment with Parents in Highly Conflicted Custody Cases]," published in the Family and Conciliation Courts Review in 1996, these psychological problems were found to include:

#being angrier than non-alienated children,

#being less well-adjusted, and

#being less able to conceptualize complex situations.

In a case called [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/2017/2017bcsc495/2017bcsc495.html?autocompleteStr=j.e.s.d&autocompletePos=2 ''J.E.S.D v. Y.E.P''], a 16 year old asked the court to have a lawyer appointed for her when she did not agree with the evidence of an expert witness who found that she was alienated from her father. The court in the circumstances did not find that it was appropriate for the child to have her own lawyer, or to be named a party to the action. However, because the Supreme Court of British Columbia has authority under the concept of [httpsWhile the court directed that an ''amicus'' be appointed, who that person was, or how he or she would be paid, was not considered.

Parents often find themselves feeling closer to the children following separation than they did during the relationship. Dr. Rand says that fathers in particular find a greater reward in parenting as a result of the loss, loneliness, and feelings of failure that can follow from the breakdown of the relationship. Accordingly, the impact of parental alienation is particularly traumatic to the targeted parent.

D.S. Huntington, in an article published in 1986 in Divorce and Fatherhood, noted that some parents can be driven off by a child's apparent rejection and refusal to visit. J.W. Jacobs, in a different article in the same book, says that targeted parents may also "voluntarily" withdraw from the child's life where, in their view, the child would suffer if the custody issues were pursued, or if the child would be exposed to additional conflict between the parents.

For the targeted parent, claims of this nature are devastating because they are so very difficult to disprove and they attack the moral fitness of the parent in a fundamental and humiliating way. While the claim is being defended, however, the parent may spends months without seeing his or her child. Even if the claim can be disproven, the parent may find that so much time has been lost that his or her relationship with the child is damaged. (Note that even unproven claims may result in arrest and possible criminal charges. Even where there are no criminal charges, a parent who has been arrested is invariably released following arrest on a promise not to contact the other parent or the child.)

===Needs of the child assessments===

Section 211 of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' allows a court to order that a needs of the child assessment, formerly called a custody and access report, be prepared. If the other parent will not agree to the preparation of a needs of the child assessment, you must apply for an order that the report be prepared.

Proper needs of the child assessment are prepared by a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or another mental health professional, who interviews each of the parents separately, and then interviews the child twice, once in the presence of each parent. The assessor may also give the children and the parents certain common psychological tests, such as personality evaluations and parenting inventories. Most often it's only the parents who are tested. The assessor will then prepare a report that sets out his or her observations and recommendations.

In making an order that a needs of the child assessment be prepared, the court can simply say "a report will be prepared" or it can be more detailed and discuss which person will prepare the report, when it will be finished, and who will pay for it. Most importantly, the order can identify particular issues that the assessor is to address in the report. Where a report is sought because of suspected parental alienation, the order should expressly state that the assessor is to see whether alienation is or is not happening.

Frankly, it may be impossible to fix a child's alienation from one of his or her parents even when alienation has been identified by a psychiatrist. In a 1988 article by N.R. Palmer published in the American Journal of Family Therapy, Palmer quotes a Florida judge who dealt with an alienation case:

Dr. Gardner's solution was to remove the child from the care of the alienating parent. This is, in most cases, a drastic solution which forces the child to live full-time with the parent he or she has been taught to dislike and distrust. It may still be appropriate in the right circumstances. This is what the Supreme Court did in the 2009 case of ''[http://canlii.ca/t/22pjw A.A. v. S.N.A.]'', 2009 BCSC 303 when it found that the mother had "continued to undermine the relationship between [the child] and her father" and "acted in ways that are detrimental to [the child's] psychological healing," and ordered that the child have no contact with her mother at all for one year. This kind of solution remains the exception rather than the rule.

In most cases, however, the best that can be done to "cure" the problem is to obtain an order requiring that the child, the alienated parent, or both the child and the parent see a family counsellor skilled in dealing with the psychological effects of separation. The court can specify who the counsellor will be, how frequent the sessions will be, and who will pay for them. There is no guarantee that counselling will fix the problem since the source of the problem lies in the conduct of the alienating parent, but counselling is a less drastic step and will be easier to obtain than an order changing the children's home.

The January 2010 edition of [http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/fcre.2010.48.issue-1/issuetoc Family Court Review], published by the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, is entirely devoted to the issue of alienated and estranged children. If you can get your hands on a copy, you should. It offers an up-to-date look at current court practices and the latest literature on the subject and was edited by two prominent Canadians, Professor Nick Bala, a law professor at Queen's University, and Dr. Barbara Jo Fidler, a psychologist and mediator based in Toronto.

*Buchanan, C., Maccoby, E., & Dombusch, S. (1991) "Caught between parents: Adolescents’ experience in divorced homes." Child Development

*Buehler, C., Krishnakumar, A., Stone, G., Anthony, C., Pemberton, S., Gerard, J., & Barber, B.K. (1998) "Interparental conflict styles and youth problem behaviors: A two-sample replication study." Journal of Marriage & Family

*Dunne, J. & Hedrick, M. (1994) "The parental alienation syndrome: An analysis of sixteen selected cases." Journal of Divorce and Remarriage

*Emery, R. E. (2004) "Parental alienation syndrome: Proponents bear the burden of proof." Family Court Review

*Faller, K.C. (1998) "The parental alienation syndrome, What is it and what data support it?" Child Maltreatment

*Freeman, R., Abel, D., Cowper-Smith, M., & Stein, L. (2004) "Reconnecting children with absent parents: A model for intervention" Family Court Review

*Johnston, J. R. (2003) "Parental alignments and rejection: An empirical study of alienation in children of divorce." Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and Law

*Johnston, J.R. (1993) "Children of divorce who refuse visitation," in C. Depner & J.H. Bray (Eds.), Non-residential parenting: New vistas in family living

*Johnston, J. R. & Kelly, J.B. (2004) "Rejoinder to Gardner’s 'Commentary on Kelly and Johnston’s The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome'." Family Court Review

*Johnston, J. R. & Kelly, J. B. (2004) "Commentary on Walker, Brantley & Rigsbee’s 'A critical analysis of parental alienation and its admissibility in the family court'." Journal of Child Custody

*Johnston, J.R., Walters, M.G., & Friedlander, S. (2001) "Therapeutic work with alienated children and their families." Family Courts Review

*Kelly, J. B. (2000) "Children’s adjustment in conflicted marriage and divorce: A decade review of research." Journal of the American Academy of Child Adolescent Psychiatry

*Kelly, J. (2003) "Parents with enduring child disputes: Multiple pathways to enduring disputes." Journal of Family Studies

*Kelly, J. (2003) "Parents with enduring child disputes: Focused interventions with parents in enduring disputes." Journal of Family Studies

*Kelly, J. (2002) "Psychological and legal interventions for parents and children in custody and access disputes: Current research and practice." Virginia Journal of Social Policy and Law

*Kelly, J. & Emery, R. (2003) "Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives." Family Relations

*Kelly, J.B. & Johnston, J.R. (2001) "The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome." Family Courts Review

*Kline, M., Johnston, J., & Tschann, J. (1990) "The long shadow of marital conflict: a model of children’s postdivorce adjustment." Journal of Marriage & Family

*Lampel, A.K. (1996) "Children’s alignments with parents in highly conflicted custody cases." Family & Conciliation Courts Review

*Lee, S. M. & Olesen, N. W. (2001) "Assessing for alienation in child custody and access evaluations." Family Courts Review

*Lund, M. (1995) "A therapist’s view of parental alienation syndrome." Family & Conciliation Courts Review

*Rand, D.C. (1997) "The spectrum of parent alienation: Part 1." American Journal of Forensic Psychology

*Rand, D.C. (1997) "The spectrum of parent alienation: Part 2." American Journal of Forensic Psychology

*Sullivan, M. J. & Kelly, J.B. (2001) "Legal and psychological management of cases with an alienated child." Family Courts Review

*Turkat, I.D. (1994) "Child visitation interference in divorce." Clinical Psychology Review

*Waldron, K.H. & Joanes, D.E. (1996) "Understanding and collaboratively treating parental alienation syndrome." American Journal of Family Law

*Wallerstein, J.S. & Kelly, J.B. (1976) "The effects of parental divorce: Experiences of the child in later latency." American Journal of Orthopsychiatry

*Warshak, R. A. (2003) "Bring sense to parental alienation: A look at the disputes and the evidence." Family Law Quarterly

*Warshak, R. A. (2003) "Payoffs and pitfalls of listening to children." Family Relations

*Wood, C. (1994) "The parental alienation syndrome: A dangerous aura of reliability." Loyola of Los Angeles Law Review

 

A final note of caution. Many of the groups you'll find online that offer information on alienation and PAS, such as Fathers Are Capable Too, seem to regard PAS as a men's rights or father's rights issue. In part this is because the majority of alienating parents are mothers. However, some of these sites go too far and identify feminism, or rather their prejudice against feminism, with the small number of women who engage in alienating behaviour. Fathers also engage in alienating behaviour. Take care in your sources of information and make sure you're reading between the lines.