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Difference between revisions of "Parenting Apart"
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After separation, that routine just may not be possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both of you being around the house, or on the schedules you used to keep. They can no longer count on all the little things like the bedtime story from dad, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with mum, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on. | After separation, that routine just may not be possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both of you being around the house, or on the schedules you used to keep. They can no longer count on all the little things like the bedtime story from dad, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with mum, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on. | ||
Separation can also see parents changing their roles. A parent who has not been as involved may become more involved. This can be challenging for some parents and what must be kept in mind is that children all people in their lives to be doing their best. A more involved parent is almost always something that helps children. What harms children is conflict; conflict in intact and restructured families. | Separation can also see parents changing their roles. A parent who has not been as involved may become more involved. This can be challenging for some parents and what must be kept in mind is that children need all people in their lives to be doing their best. A more involved parent is almost always something that helps children. What harms children is conflict; conflict in both intact and restructured families. | ||
While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. Your job, regardless of your own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect your children from your dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will be in the best interests of your children. | While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. Your job, regardless of your own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect your children from your dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will be in the best interests of your children. | ||
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===Language=== | ===Language=== | ||
The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha." | The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha." | ||
Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with their child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, shared parenting is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to their child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" when it comes time to determining the parenting arrangements for a child. | Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with their child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, shared parenting is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to their child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" when it comes time to determining the parenting arrangements for a child. | ||
Words like "custody" and "access | Words like "custody" and "access" are still used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]''. As noted above, these can be loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their role with the children. This is one reason why the newer provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible. | ||
===A few notes from JP Boyd=== | ===A few notes from JP Boyd=== | ||
I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority on parenting. The goal of this section is simply to provide some information that may be helpful for parents to consider as they approach the issue of parenting after separation. | I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counsellor. As a result, this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason, you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority on parenting. The goal of this section is simply to provide some information that may be helpful for parents to consider as they approach the issue of parenting after separation. | ||
There are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation (PAS) programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs. No matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner, these programs are usually very helpful. Also, in some cases, you, your former partner, or both of you may be ordered by the court to attend a Parenting After Separation program. | There are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation (PAS) programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs. No matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner, these programs are usually very helpful. Also, in some cases, you, your former partner, or both of you may be ordered by the court to attend a Parenting After Separation program. | ||