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In ''The Truth about Children and Divorce'', Dr. Emery describes three general categories of divorcing couples: the ''angry divorce'', the ''distant divorce'', and the ''cooperative divorce''. While these categories are not exactly exhaustive and are drawn from an American legal context, they are useful in discussing the impact of a highly emotional separation on negotiation, mediation, arbitration and litigation.
===The "cooperative separation"===
Cooperative separations usually result in a separation agreement or an order that they agree the court should make, called a ''consent order''. Often, what little whatever litigation may occur occurs is limited to simply getting the court processes that are required to get a divorce order.
===The "distant separation"===
These people are not friends with each other but know better than to become enemies, perhaps because of the children or past experience experiences with the court system. They deal with each other minimally, without a great deal of either warmth or demonstrated anger.
===The "angry separation"===
This, of course, is the type of separation to be wary of. These separations are also known as "''high-conflict" separations'', and parents in elevated levels of conflict are estimated to make up between 5% and 20% of family law litigants, depending on which research you read. People in an angry separation have trouble letting go of the marriagetheir relationship, and feel intense pain and angerabout both the relationship itself and its end. Their emotions are usually quite raw and as neither party has person will have done a great deal to manage their feelings.
These couples people have the hardest time dealing with each other and the legal issues between themthey have to resolve, as they tend to focus on "''fault" '' and "''blame''," and are often unable to stop themselves from lashing out hurtfully. Resolving the issues arising from the end of a long-term relationship is the most difficult for these individuals, and they are the most prone likely to get involved in protracted, ugly litigation.
People in an angry separation, particularly those with children, generally need to get professional help in dealing with the emotional fallout from the end of the their relationship , if they are to avoid court , and learn to cope with each other and their feelings in the months and years to come.
Angry separations are the sort that lawyers most often wind up dealing with. The epic battles that of people engaged in an angry separation are capable of can barely be described, and involve repeated trips to court, hiring expensive experts and trials that often last longer than ten days. The legal issues arising from the breakup their separation are rarely concluded within two in less than three years, and, when there are children, can run for six or more years! A trial Making things worse, trials rarely resolves issues between these couplesprovide a meaningful conclusion to the hostilities, as they will high-conflict people often keep fighting long afterward about real or imagined changes find themselves back in their respective circumstances following judgment. These couples are also living <span class="noglossary">proof</span> that money doesn't buy happiness — it buys you litigation, court over and lots of itover again afterward.
===Anger===
By now, you will have guessed that the irrational thinking anger triggers can be the most important significant roadblock to resolving family law issues in a reasonable, cooperative manner. Anger is an incredibly powerful emotion, characterized by Dr. Emery as "the toxic residue of unresolved grief."
Anger also does a lot of very odd things that not many people are aware of. Ignorance of these different functions of anger can slow the grieving process, entrench unreasonable positions, and protract the resolution of the issues flowing from the end of a relationship.