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Difference between revisions of "Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation"
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Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation (view source)
Revision as of 19:21, 25 March 2020
, 19:21, 25 March 2020→Respecting boundaries, respecting privacy
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==Respecting boundaries, respecting privacy== | ==Respecting boundaries, respecting privacy== | ||
Part of what's going on when a long-term romantic relationship ends is the redefinition of the personal relationship between the people involved in the romantic relationship. People who were once lovers and confidants must, especially if they have children, find a way to work together in a more business-like relationship with no presumptions of intimacy, trust or altruistic sacrifice. The differences in these two types of relationships are largely about real and anticipated boundaries. | Part of what's going on when a long-term romantic relationship ends is the redefinition of the personal relationship between the people involved in the romantic relationship. People who were once lovers and confidants must, especially if they have children, find a way to work together in a more business-like relationship with no presumptions of intimacy, trust or altruistic sacrifice. The differences in these two types of relationships are largely about real boundaries and anticipated boundaries. | ||
Of course, problems can come up when our expectations of each other's boundaries don't quite match. | Of course, problems can come up when our expectations of each other's boundaries don't quite match, and it's sometimes really important to talk about boundaries as a result. Setting and respecting each boundaries can be the key to making a difficult parenting relationship work. Here are some of the boundaries I've seen people use. | ||
*Requiring communication by text and email rather than by telephone, or communication by telephone rather than by text or email. | |||
*Setting limits on the length of emails and letters. | |||
*Setting limits on the volume of communication in a given period, or the hours within which communication will be replied to. | |||
*Restricting the subjects that can be discussed. | |||
*Restricting the family members and friends who can be communicated with. | |||
*Fixing the time and place where the children will be exchanged. | |||
*Setting consequences for failing to honour boundaries. | |||
Privacy expectations, and the boundaries they imply, are a source of frequent conflict when relationships end. Since it can be hard to respect a former partner's privacy when your relationship has become adversarial, let's spell out some of the more basic rules. | |||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to open mail addressed only to your ex. Even when it gets delivered to your home.'''</blockquote> | |||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to hack into your ex's email and social media accounts. Even if you know the password or even if its easy to guess.'''</blockquote> | |||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to acccess your ex's voice mail or change the message on your ex's voice mail.'''</blockquote> | |||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to access your ex's bank accounts. Even if your ex gave you permission to do that while you were together.'''</blockquote> | |||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to secretly record your ex's telephone calls. Even if your ex is talking to your children.'''</blockquote> | |||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to make secret video recordings or otherwise surveil your ex. Even if you're trying to gather evidence for court.'''</blockquote> | |||
==Protect yourself== | ==Protect yourself== | ||