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Difference between revisions of "Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation"
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Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation (view source)
Revision as of 19:32, 25 March 2020
, 19:32, 25 March 2020no edit summary
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Don't air the details of your relationship and your separation, or trash your ex, on the internet. You can try to delete your comments later, when you've come to regret them, but the internet never forgets. It's almost a certainty that there's a record of your comment somewhere in cyberspace. The behaviour you need to avoid includes: | Don't air the details of your relationship and your separation, or trash your ex, on the internet. You can try to delete your comments later, when you've come to regret them, but the internet never forgets. It's almost a certainty that there's a record of your comment somewhere in cyberspace. The behaviour you need to avoid includes: | ||
#slagging your ex on Facebook, | #slagging your ex on Facebook, Instagram and other kinds of social media; | ||
#leaving negative reviews on professional or commercial rating websites, like Yelp, Angie's List, LawyerRatingz, or Rate my Professors; | #leaving negative reviews on professional or commercial rating websites, like Yelp, Angie's List, LawyerRatingz, or Rate my Professors; | ||
#publishing copies of letters, photos and personal notes online; | #publishing copies of letters, photos and personal notes online; | ||
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#posting links to court decisions involving you, your ex or your children. | #posting links to court decisions involving you, your ex or your children. | ||
It's | It's worth remembering how tech-savvy your kids are — or will be. Have you ever googled yourself? Most people have. Ask yourself what your kids are going to find when they google ''you''. | ||
It's also worth remembering that if something can be printed, it can be attached as an exhibit to an affidavit. That includes your Facebook posts, your text messages, and your emails. Before you hit that send or post button, stop and spend a little bit of time thinking about what a stranger would think of you after reading your post, text message or email. | |||
===Managing real life=== | ===Managing real life=== | ||
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Part of what's going on when a long-term romantic relationship ends is the redefinition of the personal relationship between the people involved in the romantic relationship. People who were once lovers and confidants must, especially if they have children, find a way to work together in a more business-like relationship with no presumptions of intimacy, trust or altruistic sacrifice. The differences in these two types of relationships are largely about real boundaries and anticipated boundaries. | Part of what's going on when a long-term romantic relationship ends is the redefinition of the personal relationship between the people involved in the romantic relationship. People who were once lovers and confidants must, especially if they have children, find a way to work together in a more business-like relationship with no presumptions of intimacy, trust or altruistic sacrifice. The differences in these two types of relationships are largely about real boundaries and anticipated boundaries. | ||
Of course, problems can come up when our expectations of each other's boundaries don't quite match, and it's sometimes really important to talk about boundaries as a result. Setting and respecting each boundaries can be the key to making a difficult parenting relationship work. Here are some of the boundaries I've seen people use. | Of course, problems can come up when our expectations of each other's boundaries don't quite match, and it's sometimes really important to talk about boundaries as a result. Setting and respecting each other's boundaries can be the key to making a difficult parenting relationship work. Here are some of the boundaries I've seen people use. | ||
*Requiring communication by text and email rather than by telephone, or communication by telephone rather than by text or email. | *Requiring communication by text and email rather than by telephone, or communication by telephone rather than by text or email. | ||
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<blockquote>'''It is not okay to open mail addressed only to your ex. Even when it gets delivered to your home.'''</blockquote> | <blockquote>'''It is not okay to open mail addressed only to your ex. Even when it gets delivered to your home.'''</blockquote> | ||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to hack into your ex's email and social media accounts. Even if you know the password or even if | <blockquote>'''It is not okay to hack into your ex's smartphone or your ex's email and social media accounts. Even if you know the password or even if it's easy to guess.'''</blockquote> | ||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to | <blockquote>'''It is not okay to access your ex's voice mail or change or delete messages on your ex's voice mail.'''</blockquote> | ||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to access your ex's | <blockquote>'''It is not okay to access your ex's financial accounts. Even if your ex gave you permission to do that while you were together.'''</blockquote> | ||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to secretly record your ex's telephone calls. Even if your ex is talking to your children.'''</blockquote> | <blockquote>'''It is not okay to secretly record your ex's telephone calls. Even if your ex is talking to your children.'''</blockquote> | ||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to make secret video recordings or otherwise surveil your ex. Even if you're trying to gather evidence for court.'''</blockquote> | <blockquote>'''It is not okay to make secret video recordings or otherwise surveil your ex. Even if you're trying to gather evidence for court.'''</blockquote> | ||
<blockquote>'''It is not okay to steal or make a copy of your ex's diary or personal journal.'''</blockquote> | |||
Hopefully these rules make obvious sense. However, I include them because they are so often overlooked in the heat of battle. Remember that if you are involved in a court proceeding you have the right to get copies of anything, including any document, that is important to the legal issues in your court proceeding. If there's something important on your ex's phone, you are entitled to ask for a copy of that thing — or apply for a court order that you be given a copy. You don't need to take a self-serve approach. | |||
==Protect yourself== | ==Protect yourself== | ||