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To ''alienate'' means to make separate. To ''estrange'' means to make indifferent. In family law, both terms relate to a breakdown in a child's relationship with a parent. Children can become estranged from one parent for a good reason that has nothing to do with the behaviour of the other parent. In some cases, a child's relationship with one parent can be damaged by the actions of the other parent, sometimes in the course of a custody battle and sometimes intentionally. These children are said to have been alienated from the other parent.
This page section will provide a brief an introduction to the problem of alienated and estranged children, and discuss what the experts have to say about a largely discredited theory called Parental Alienation Syndrome. It will also look at ways of dealing with alienated and estranged children during parenting disputes, and provide a selection of helpful online and printed resources.
==Introduction==
The end of a romantic relationship is always difficult for parents. It can be just as difficult, if not worse, for their children. How children deal with the end of their parents' relationship has to do with two things: the age and maturity of the children; , and, how their parents manage the breakdown of their relationship.
Children don't see things in terms of "custody" or "parental responsibilities" when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Mom and dad are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, mom or dad isn't there anymore. Young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated. Pre-teens and teens will have a much more grown-up grasp of things as they'll have lost relationships of their own, and be able to appreciate the idea that their parents' relationship has ended. How children cope emotionally and intellectually cope with their parents' separation changes as they grow older and more emotionally and intellectually mature.
Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions which that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court.
Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process: each parent is fighting the other in order to "win,", and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to a dispute often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. What makes this so much worse is that the parents are both fighting about something they cherish dearly, their children, and they are both fighting against someone whom they used to deeply love.
In circumstances like thisthese, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. It can also be easy to overlook the importance of managing the children's exposure to and perception of their parents' conflict. One parent's view of the other becomes clouded by hatred, malice and spite, and nothing the other parent can do is ever right. This attitude is almost impossible to shield from the children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without interference, can come to colour the children's own views of the other parent.
===Children's experiences of separation===
*similarities in the temperament of the child and one of the parents,
*the parent's gender,
*interests the child share's shares with a parent, and
*how the parent handles discipline.
There are, of course, ways that parents can behave, intentionally and unintentionally, that will encourage a child to drift towards one parent and away from the other that are blameworthy. Remember, however, that there are normal reasons why a child's experience of divorce may align with one parent over the other which that have nothing to do with a parent's conduct.
===Resisting visits with a parent===
These "normal" reasons why a child would be reluctant to see a parent can be aggravated by the unintentional conduct of each parent. Separated parents have a positive duty to nurture their child's relationship with the other parent. In the context of parenting time and contact, this means encouraging the child to look forward to seeing the other parent. In general, this means actively fostering the child's relationship with the other parent and refraining from making negative remarks about the other parent.
In high conflict situations, even parents who understand this basic duty can unconsciously telegraph their feelings about the other parent to the child. Children are not stupid; they know something's not right. Even young children will pick up on non-verbal clues to a parent's feelings. This sort of unintentional communication of emotion includes:
*making faces, grimacing, groaning, cringing or shuddering when the other parent is mentioned,
Even though in these examples nothing is actually being said to the children to discourage their relationship with the other parent, they will pick up on the implications these behaviours suggest: there is something bad about one parent which is hurting the other parent. This sort of behaviour will inevitably encourage and reinforce any resistance the child might have to seeing the other parent.
When a child begins to express a reluctance to visit the other parent, both parents must act to stop the problem from getting worse. For the parent who has the child most often, this means that you must:
*work harder at encouraging the child to look forward to the visits,
*seriously consider taking a parenting after separation course.
None of these solutions may be effective if the child's opinion and emotions are too entrenched, if the parents are simply too angry with one another to cooperate effectively, or if one of the parents is actively working to undermine the other parent's relationship with the child. When things go to too far, or when a problem is left unchecked, a child's simple preference for one parent can develop to an extreme point, where the child is estranged or alienated from the other parent.
===Knowing when there's a problem===
Mild expressions of a change in the child's attachment to a parent include:
*expressing Expressing ambivalence about visiting the parent (not caring one way or the other about seeing the parent),.*grumbling Grumbling about having to go to see the other parent, and.*stating Stating a preference for an activity (playing a game, seeing friends and so forth) over seeing the other parent.
More serious expressions of a change in the child's attachment to a parent include:
The difference between an estranged child and an alienated child is that an estranged child has grown apart from the parent for reasons that are, to be blunt, reasonable and realistic. An alienated child, however, is the victim of one parent's efforts to destroy the child's relationship with the other parent.
An estranged child is either absolutely ambivalent about the other parent or enraged by the other parent. These feelings are, however, justified by the child's experience of the separation or by the child's experience of that parent. These children are usually estranged as a result of:
*witnessing violence committed by that parent against the other parent,
*the parent's own psychological or psychiatric issues.
The point here is that the child's experiences make the child's rejection of a parent ''reasonable'', and are an adaptive and protective response to the parent's behaviour. The feelings of alienated children, however, are neither reasonable nor the result of the rejected parent's conduct.
===Alienated children===
<blockquote>"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood."</blockquote>
The parent most likely to attempt to alienate a child from the other parent is the parent who has the child for most of the time, usually because of an interim order or some other sort of temporary arrangement. The sorts of behaviours that suggest an intention to alienate a child from the other parent include, among other things:
*making negative comments about the other parent to the child,